We're Collecting Dust (But Our Love's Enough)
by snixnbritt
Summary: You take a moment to think about how you've felt since you heard the news before replying, "This is what she's always wanted, and as long as she's happy, then so am I." It hurts, saying it out loud, because now it's real. (Heather/Naya)
1. Chapter 1

We're Collecting Dust (But Our Love's Enough)

You found out while you were at a photoshoot. You were waiting for the stylist to bring you a new outfit when you got a text from Dianna. It was a link to a gossip website you weren't familiar with and Dianna had added question marks after it.

You were confused too. Was it about you? Did the paparazzi get a picture of you doing something?

What you saw was to last thing you were expecting.

So much hits you all at once. You're shocked. Disappointed. Anxious.

But...

Why aren't you happy? She used to be your best friend, you should be happy for her. Other than not being told sooner, there isn't anything preventing you from being happy for her.

Is there?

* * *

You've always known she wanted kids. Early in your friendship, when you were getting to know each other, it came up a lot. She talked about how much she loved her nieces and nephews, her friend's kids, even random babies on the street.

Imagining her as a mother was both painful and magnificent.

And watching her interact with children was breathtaking. You captured as many moments as you could of her and the kids you've met over the past three years.

You still have some (all) of the pictures stored in a file on your computer you pretend doesn't exist.

It didn't surprise you how much Heather loved children- she's so much like a kid herself sometimes. You always teased her about how childish she was, how she wouldn't be able to be the "bad guy" parent if it was necessary, but she would just tell you "_That's why I have you Nay!_"

If only she knew that kind of teasing was the reason you always changed the subject.

* * *

You like kids too, in the oh-they're-so-cute-but-I'm-glad-I'm-not-responsibl e-for-them kind of way. You just don't think you'd make a good mom.

You remember how much your mom struggled raising you, so you don't feel confident if you were to have your own kid. How are you supposed to raise another human being when you had so much trouble yourself?

Heather always tried to convince you otherwise. She would tell you that you've grown up, that you've turned out so well. You always lied and told her you believed her.

(Maybe this is why you needed her in your life. Maybe you needed her to reassure you- to tell you that who you've become is something to be proud of.)

The day the set was full of your character's child doppelgangers, she could not have been more excited. You're pretty sure she got a picture with every single one of those children. Poor things. They probably didn't expect to have a 23 year old be so completely enamored with them. Seeing her so excited along with their confused little faces made you laugh until you were in tears.

You remember your laugh catching her attention because she turned and looked straight at you with the biggest grin. She called you down from the chair you were sitting on in the top row, trying to get you to come down there. You shook your head- you tried denying her.

That never actually works though.

She took so many pictures of you with the mini version of your character. She was smiling more than you were, and you were completely ok with that, but apparently she didn't agree. She kept trying to broaden your grin, she even told you "_Naya, stop looking so mad! You're surrounded by adorable little people!_" The only reason you cracked was because of her. Seeing her so happy always made you happy.

(You've seen a lot of beautiful things in your life, but her smile is the most.)

She kept telling you how cute you looked with them and all you could do was glare at her as subtly as possible. You knew what she was doing. Adorable kids and beautiful smiles weren't going to turn on some kind of motherly instinct inside you.

But then she said "_Naya come on! Just imagine how adorable our kids would be?_"

You were pretty sure she was talking about Brittany and Santana, but for a second you thought differently. You thought of reality. And then your breathing stopped for a few seconds.

She looked at you like she wanted you to imagine it with her- a world where mini versions of both of you existed. And you fell for it.

But at that point you think you had already fallen. For all of it.

* * *

There were nights when she would stay over and it was late and she was asleep right next to you, and you thought of things you knew were wrong. Things that you knew would never happen. But they flooded your head anyways, like a movie you couldn't stop.

When you were finally able to fall asleep, it was like the movie continued into your dreams.

It's a dream you had a lot whenever she slept over.

You would see a woman dancing and laughing with a little girl in a dark, empty room with bare walls and hardwood floors. You could only see their silhouettes, but you still watched as they twirled around the room. You could see the smile on both of their faces.

A few more moments would pass as you watched them, until the woman would stop and gently pick the girl up, kiss her on the cheek and hold her close to her chest while she walked away. But then the little girl would look up from where her head was resting, and stare right at you.

You swear that the girl's eyes were an all too familiar shade of blue.

The dream always ended there- with them walking away from you and disappearing.

Each time you woke up, it was frantic and instantaneous. You would be sitting upright, breathing heavy and sweaty all over. She always heard you, or felt you, and she would turn over until she was facing you and reach out to hold your hand.

Her touch would snap you out of your panic and instead you'd stare at where her hand and yours connected. It fascinated you how she knew, even when she was asleep, that you needed comforting.

* * *

When you get home, you go into your bedroom and text as many people you can think of who might know that this is actually real, that it's actually happening.

Vanessa replies back first saying _Yeaaa! I can't wait! :)_

You don't reply.

Telly texts you back saying he's known for a couple weeks. You're not surprised that he knew, it's his job to take care of the cast, but it was your job to take care of her first.

Kevin seems like the only one that notices your text doesn't sound as excited as it should because while you're lying on your bed staring at the ceiling waiting for his reply, you feel your phone vibrating instead.

You pick it up and see Kevin's contact photo and decide to answer it. You really need someone to talk to about this, seeing as you didn't really want to dump this all on your hair stylist while you were at the photoshoot.

"Hey Kev…"

"_Hey Bee… So you heard, huh?"_

You take a deep breath and release it before saying, "Yeah, Dianna texted me some article."

You hear him hum in response before asking you, _"How are you feeling?"_

His question catches you off guard. You haven't really decided how you feel, nothing definitive at least.

"I… I don't really know. I'm definitely _surprised_, but other then that… I haven't really figured it out."

"_Well are you happy? Or excited?"_

You take a moment to think about how you've felt since you heard the news before replying, "This is what she's always wanted, and as long as she's happy, then so am I."

It hurts, saying it out loud, because now it's real. Now the way you feel has been heard- by Kevin, by God, by yourself- and you can't go back.

Kevin asks if you're okay, and you tell him, "I don't know that either."

He tells you he loves you and that if you need anything to call him. You tell him you will and that you love him too before hanging up and putting your phone away.

You go back to staring at the ceiling and try to figure out how you feel.

* * *

You're sitting at your kitchen table later that night eating dinner thinking, but you still can't figure it out._ Why didn't she tell you herself?_

But you're never going to find out.

So you sit and push around your food, hearing nothing but the fork hitting the plate and your thoughts running through your head.

You give up on eating and pour yourself some wine instead. You make your way into the living room and collapse on your couch, trying to settle your thoughts- clear your head. It works.

When you wake up you see you slept for a few hours. You decide that it's time to actually go to bed, so you down the rest of your wine and put the glass in the sink.

You're walking up the first few sets of stairs when you hear your doorbell ring. You wonder if it's the alcohol making you imagine things, but then there's a knock.

You recognize that knock.

(You don't personally like getting surprised. You like to be prepared for things; you like to plan ahead. You don't like not knowing when something is going to happen or you're told something you weren't expecting. You just never know how you're going to react and your emotions might take over and you may say or do something you don't mean...)

"Hey..."

"Heather- hi... Uhh, what are you doing here?"

You're shocked; she hasn't been to your house in months, and even then it was because you had a party. She's never been here by herself.

"Vanessa called me and told me you texted her and I just- wanted to talk to you."

Is she finally going to tell you herself?

You take a deep breath and push away your thoughts. You quickly tell her to come in and she makes her way over to the living room, sits down on the couch, and puts both her hands between her knees.

You watch her as she looks around your living room while you try and predict what she might say.

You walk over and ask her if she wants anything to drink, and she asks if she can have water.

Even her voice sounds scared. You wish it didn't, you don't want it to. You're scared too, but you can't tell her that.

You walk towards the kitchen and it gives you a few extra moments to calm yourself down. You can't talk to her about it. You can't ask her why she didn't tell you. You won't be able to hide how hurt you are. Maybe she had a good reason for not telling you.

Or maybe you're no longer important enough to her.

You take a deep breath and walk back in and set the glass on the coffee table and take a seat on the couch a few feet away from her.

You don't know if you're ready for whatever she wants to say.

"So, what did you wanna talk to me about?"

She doesn't answer right away and you're so interested to know what she's thinking.

You do that a lot- wonder what she's thinking. You wish she would just tell you.

"I um- I got an ultrasound today."

So Vanessa told her. She knows you know.

You're still surprised at what just came out of her mouth. You don't know why, out of all the words she could've said, she chooses to say that.

"That's great... How was it? Is everything ok?"

Those seemed like safe enough questions. They don't show how much you care.

How much you wish you could care.

"Yea, yea everything's fine. It was just really surreal, you know?"

She looks up at you suddenly, like she realized what she said. You just look back at her and smile as genuinely as you can because she knows you'll never know.

You won't know what it would be like to see a baby inside you because you don't want kids. A few years ago maybe you would've changed your mind, but the circumstances changed before you could.

People changed.

"It must've been amazing Heather. I'm happy for you two."

It felt so much like you were reading from a script_. You're character is happy. Don't look away. Keep eye contact. Don't cry._

"I actually uh- have it with me... Do you- do you wanna see it?"

She sounds so unsure of herself, and maybe of you too. How you'll react. How you'll feel.

"Sure!"

_Sound excited. Smile- like you mean it. Think of whatever you can that makes you happy..._

You end up thinking about a day when the show first began. You had made plans earlier in the day to go out to lunch with Dianna, but she ended up having to shoot another scene. So you had decided a little alone time would be good and you could go walk around the lot, maybe watch another show being filmed or see a few celebrities. But as you were making your way towards the replicated streets of New York City, she called your name.

You were shocked- you hadn't seen her around the area you were walking through, so for all you knew she could've popped out of a bush.

When she had finally caught up with you, you noticed she was wearing workout clothes and glistening with sweat.

You could hear her breathing heavily, which made you wonder how far the girl actually ran to get to you. You asked her "_why are you all sweaty Heather_?"

She laughed a little because she must've known what she looked like and said, "_I was just finishing up a routine in the Tin Shed and I saw you walking by so I thought I'd join you! I hope that's ok?_"

The two of you were still in the early stages of building a friendship, but even then, you couldn't deny her.

You told her, "_Yea absolutely! I'm just wandering around._"

She had looked at you with the brightest smile and then loudly said, "_Lets go on an adventure!_"

You laughed at her excitement, and she joined in a few seconds later. You loved it when she laughed.

So the two of you went on an adventure. You ran through fake alleys and watched people walk around in all kinds of costumes. You saw different shows being filmed and even watched a stunt double fall out of a window onto what looked like a giant pillow. You even got caught by a few security guards, but she would just flash them a sweet smile and an apology, then pull you by your hand as you both ran off laughing.

You think she became your best friend that day.

You were in so much trouble with Ryan when you had finally made it back to set. But it was worth it. You don't think you've ever laughed that hard or smiled so much since then.

(You've been told that memories made from strong emotions last the longest. If that's the case, then that day will be in your head forever.)

You're pulled out of your thoughts when she takes out the picture. She looks at it for a few seconds before slowly handing it to you.

You can feel her staring at you as you take if from her. When you look at it, it takes you a moment to figure out what's what, but when you finally do, it's overwhelming.

You can tell it's a baby, but it doesn't have very defining features. It kind of...

"... looks like a peanut..."

"What?"

"Oh- um, th-the baby, it's just- reminds me of a... never mind- sorry..."

You are such an idiot. Why did you just insult her baby? It's barely a person and you're already making fun of it.

But then you hear her giggle.

"I guess it sorta does, huh? That's kinda cute actually."

You look up at her and see her looking at the picture in your hands with a blissful smile on her face and you know she's doing it again- imagining herself as a mother. And now it's actually real. You've got the proof.

She's going to be an amazing mom.

Her phone dings a few times and as she checks it, you look at the ultrasound again. You wonder what this little person is going to be like. Is it going to be a boy or a girl? Will it be blonde with blue eyes? Will it dance like her or play baseball like him?

Will you ever meet this somebody to find out?...

Her voice startles you when she says, "I actually have to go, Taylor wants me back home."

"Oh, ok..."

You don't mean to sound so disappointed, you just have a lot left to ask. She must notice your struggle because she looks at you, waiting for you to say something. Anything.

So you take the risk and...

"Why didn't you tell me?"

You heart is pounding and- did you leave the heat on? Because your hands are starting to sweat.

She looks stunned at your question, you are too.

It's a question you didn't mean to ask. It was meant to stay in your head forever and be a mystery because you're too afraid of the answer, but now it's out there and all you can do is wait.

She inhales and when she exhales, you can hear how her throat shakes as she prepares herself to say what you both want and don't want.

"I-I didn't think you would... wanna know, I guess..."

So this is what the two of you have come to?

"Oh... yea! No I totally understand."

"I'm sorry Nay... I was going to but-"

The guilt on her face is there and it's bothering you because you don't want her to make excuses, it'll just make it worse, so you shake your head and stop whatever she's about to say.

"Heather it's fine. Really. You don't need to explain yourself."

"Naya..."

Her eyes are begging with you and her head is tilted like she's waiting for you to give her a chance, but you can't. It would hurt too much.

You look at her and shrug your shoulders because you don't know what else to say.

"Are you sure?"

She's searching. She wants something more from you, but you have nothing left to give her.

You feel like she already has everything.

You put your hand up a little and shake it back and forth, brushing off her question, and tell her as confidently as you can-

"Yea Heather, I promise."

(_"Never make promises you can't keep..."_ That's what she told you when you promised to be her friend forever. But you weren't the only one who broke that promise- you both did.)

It works because the way her body slumps tells you that she's given up.

"Ok... Well, I'm sorry for barging in like this."

She makes it sound like she's not welcome in your home. Even if you two are no longer best friends, she's always been welcome. And she always will be.

"It's ok Heather. I'm here for you anytime."

She gives you a small smile and you return it. She starts to get up and you follow but then her shirt shifts slightly and-

You freeze.

You're probably being intrusive and a little creepy, but you can't help it. It stuns you to see her like this.

She lets you stare for a few seconds longer before she fixes her shirt.

Now she thinks you're weird. Great.

You look down in shame and shake your head when she says-

"I really am sorry I didn't tell you."

(She's said that before.)

You remember that day in far too much detail too...

* * *

The two of you were eating breakfast in her kitchen and she had been acting a little strange all morning. You asked her if anything was wrong and she had looked away from you too fast and that's when you started to get nervous.

You had whispered _"Hemo..." _and then you saw how her eyes were shining and red around the edges. You were afraid of whatever she was going to say.

You barely heard her mutter _"Taylor's in town."_

You hoped she hadn't really said that, but then she turned her head and looked you right at you.

Her eyes had gotten even redder and she looked like she was seconds away from bursting into tears. All you could do was furrow your eyebrows. You were just so confused...

The two of you had been so great. You were just... Together. However you wanted to be, whenever you wanted. You went on little trips and slept in each other's beds and went out to dinner and bought each other things; it was easy. You made each other happy. You thought that was enough.

You didn't want to lose that. Just imagining your life without her right beside you-

Your breathing had started to get faster and the knot in your throat had hurt _so much_ but you had to ask what she meant so you whispered _"Heather..."_

You will never forget the look on her face.

Her face furrowed and she started to shake her head back and forth and her eyes were so desperate- like she was trying to tell you that she didn't want to say whatever she was thinking.

But you needed to hear whatever she had locked inside her head, so you said her name again with more force, and she finally gave in.

"_H-he said that he was moving here. For good. He said he wanted to try again. S-so I let him... I let him and I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I'm so sorry Naya."_

Her tears started to fall and sobs quickly followed. You could see how painful they were, but it was too late. As of that moment, she was no longer yours to fix.

Whatever the two of you had ended before you even finished your cup of coffee.

You had gotten up, gathered your stuff, and left her house as fast as you could. You ignored how broken her voice was as she called your name all the way down the driveway. Your only goal was to not let her see you cry. You couldn't let her see your heart break.

* * *

"It's fine Heather."

You don't give her the opportunity to study how you're really feeling. Instead you turn and walk towards the front door.

You open it and lean your head against the edge, waiting for her to walk out. She slowly makes her way to the door and seeing her so down hurts.

You didn't want this. You didn't want to cause both of you this pain.

When she finally gets to the door, she stops. Her head is down and she's staring at the floor, waiting. She's so close you can smell her perfume and see the freckles on her face and all the piercings in her ear.

Her perfume was always your favorite.

You loved those freckles.

You wonder if she still has the earrings you gave her.

You miss her so much. You thought you stopped needing her, but maybe you were wrong...

But it doesn't matter because you have somebody new, and she has somebody old _and_ someone new on the way but-

You think you'll always wait for her.

"I miss you so much Nay..."

You always found it fascinating when two people who loved each other so much just- stopped. Or at least stopped showing it.

You never thought that it would happen to you.

"Me too Heather."

She turns her head to the side until she's facing you and just stares. And you stare right back. You see how much she means it, and you hope that she see's that you mean it too.

But the two of you did this to each other and you can't go back.

You know you're incomplete and with her you felt whole.

You can only pick up whatever pieces you have left and try and put them back together.

But there are some pieces you can't get back because they belong to the girl standing in front of you. And you have some of hers. You know you do.

But the two of you have forgotten and now the parts are lost.

She gives you a parting smile and you have to smile back. You hope it worked. You hoped it looked convincing.

You watch as she walks out of your house, down the pathway and to her car.

You sigh and close the door quietly, resting the back of your head against it. You look up at the ceiling to stop the tears from falling.

You head into the living room to grab her glass on the coffee table, but then you see something next to it that twists your inside.

You grab the ultrasound and put it in your sweatshirt pocket then place her glass in the sink. The walk upstairs is too long and takes too much energy, and when you finally make it to your room, your bed might as well be a gift from God himself.

You fall onto it and close your eyes, trying to quiet all the thoughts in your head. Stop your heart racing. Stop all your feelings.

You remember the ultrasound in your pocket and pull it out. It's dark in your room, but you've already memorized the baby's shape.

You look at the picture a little longer before you lean over and put it in the drawer in your nightstand. You call Lucy over to you and she jumps on the bed and lies down against your hip.

You don't want to think about the black and white photo that's three feet away from you so you pet your dog until you feel your eyes getting heavier and heavier...

That's the last thing you remember.

* * *

You're back on set the next day for the first time in almost a week to film scenes with Chris and Lea. You're all getting a quick break so you go back to the choir room set and immediately feel out of place. There are so many new faces, so many people you don't really know, but you also see those you've known for years.

You miss them.

The memories in this room are endless. Running around and getting scolded by the director, dancing together next to all of your best friends, sitting in the top row of seats talking quietly while your new best friend played with your fingers...

You're standing in the doorway looking into the room when you spot Heather off to the side drinking some water and talking to Brad. You wonder if she's feeling ok- if she's tired from last night or feeling nauseous or lightheaded.

You don't know why you even bother; you have no right to worry.

(You wonder if you're ever going to stop being worried about her.)

You're about to walk in and say hi to them (her), but your phone vibrates just before you can move any closer. It's a text from Lea telling you to come back to the other set.

When you glance up at the choir room, you see Heather turning and walking back towards the seats, but then someone calls her name and she looks around at several places until her eyes suddenly pass by the doorway and stop.

What are the chances…

Your eyes stay locked with hers long enough for your breathing to become louder and louder and you swear you can feelyour heartbeat in your cheeks.

Someone yelling '_we're ready!_' breaks whatever trance you two were under. You can feel yourself trembling while you watch her jump slightly and turn her head, looking somewhere behind her, and that gives you enough time to walk away.

You were right. Her eyes are the same color as the little girl's in your dream.


	2. Chapter 2

You have to film a scene with her for the finale episode a few days later.

The first time you see her, she's at the crafts table with what looks like two sandwiches, a water, an apple, and two bags of chips. Her arms are almost overflowing and even though it's only eleven in the morning, you think she just made your day.

When she grabs one of the huge cookies, that's when you lose whatever control you have and you're laughing before you can stop yourself. You're only standing about ten feet away, so she hears you. She always hears you.

She looks at you with the guiltiest face and it only makes you giggle longer.

You walk up to her still smiling and she smiles right back.

She looks good today- happy.

"I see _someone_ is a little hungry this morning!" you say with a grin.

It feels good to be playful with her. Especially after your last conversation.

She gives a little laugh and lowers her head, but you can see how her cheeks have gotten a little more colorful. It's adorable.

"Uhh, you could say that. It's just I'm hungry like, _constantly_- for anything. I swear, it's a curse," she finishes with a giggle.

You keep smiling because you know that by "curse" she really means, "what I've always wanted."

You're glad she's getting everything she wants.

You ask her if she would like to eat with you before you have to go shoot and when she gives you a nod, the two of you walk to a courtyard and sit on the grass.

You're picking at your salad and scrolling through your phone when you hear her starting to speak.

"So umm, how are you and Big Sean?..."

Talk about something coming out of nowhere.

You give her a confused look and say, "uhh, we're good…"

She nods and hums like she approves of your answer. You're still caught off guard because you didn't think boyfriends were a good topic of conversation.

But you don't want this lunch with her to get any more awkward, so you start talking about the finale and tell her how good she was in the Regionals performance. She gives you a smile and says thank you. She mentions how hard it was to hide her bump and the way she exaggerates the story is hilarious. You missed talking to her like this. It's nice.

When the two of you finish eating, you get up first and hold out your hand to help her up. You just want to help; hopefully she doesn't think you're being overbearing.

She mustn't because when she sees your hand, she looks up at you and smiles.

You swear you felt your stomach flutter.

* * *

You don't leave set until almost midnight. You've been shooting all day and you're exhausted. You haven't had one of these days in a while; it's almost bittersweet.

You change out of Santana's clothes and trade them in for some yoga pants and a sweater. You're ready to get home and go straight to bed.

You're walking to your car when you hear someone talking. You look around and see someone standing by their car- an all too familiar white Prius.

You may be tired, but you'll always be willing to check on her if you think something's wrong.

When you walk a little closer, you can hear her a little more clearly. She sounds angry. You don't want her to see you so you stop walking, stand as still as possible, and listen.

"Tay-_Taylor_! I couldn't do anything about it! It's my job, I'm not going to just leave!... Look, I'm not fighting about this anymore, I'm _fine_. I'll be home soon, bye."

You watch her put the phone in her pocket and lean against her car. She stays like that for a minute, but then she lifts her hands quickly to cover her face and her chest starts moving and-

You're glad you stayed.

You quickly walk over to her and stand on your toes to wrap your arms around her shoulders. Even though you're in a parking lot in the middle of the night, you're going to be there for her.

She curls into you and grips the back of your sweater. You can feel her chest shake and her tears on your neck and the heat from her breathing. You keep rubbing your hands on her back and tilt your head down to rest on her shoulder.

You don't want to say anything, mostly because you don't know what to say. So you hum.

It's a Phil Collins song you were listening to earlier when you were in your trailer. It's been stuck in your head all day, so you thought you might as well put it to good use.

You've finished most of the song when you feel her start to calm down and loosen her grip. Your left shoulder is wet and your hands are tingling from rubbing her shirt for so long. It makes you feel useful; like you matter.

She pulls herself away until she's right in front of you. She's still looking down, so you lower yourself until your feet are flat and tilt your head towards hers.

"Hey," you whisper.

You move your face away from hers, and just watch. You start rubbing your hands up and down her shoulders slowly, thinking maybe that will help her. That's all you want to do right now.

You wait for her to say or do something- anything to show that she heard you.

You hear her take a deep breath as she moves her hands that were holding your back and puts them on your hips. She lifts her head up and looks at you for the first time since this started. The whites of her eyes are so blood shot. You hate when she cries. Her eyes aren't supposed to look like this- they're supposed to be bright and happy and match the sky and make your day.

Now they just break your heart.

"Do you think you're going to be ok?" you ask.

You don't want to ask what happened, it's not your business. And you weren't going to ask her if she's ok right now because you know she's not. But you do want to know if whatever is wrong can be fixed, because she doesn't deserve this. No one this beautiful should ever be broken.

"Yea, I think so," she whispers, her voice breaking.

Her eyes are still shining and you hope and pray with everything you have that she doesn't cry anymore. Each tear track on her face is a reminder that she's hurting and you hate it. You hate it so much.

You hold eye contact, making sure she's telling you the truth. When she stares back, unwavering, you give her a gentle nod, telling her that you believe her.

She looks exhausted so you're not surprised when she drops her forehead against your shoulder and leans into your chest. You respond by standing back on your toes and maneuvering your head so it rests in the curve of her neck. With your arms around each other, you let your eyes close and enjoy the way she feels against you.

* * *

It was a Wednesday morning and you were in the Tin Shed working on choreography with the cast, but there was one part that you just couldn't do. When the rest of the cast had left, she stayed to help you. You remember waiting for her to leave but all she did was walk over to her bag and get some water. You were so relieved.

It took over an hour, but when the two of you were finally able to get through the entire performance with no mistakes, she practically shrieked and then wrapped her arms around your waist and squeezed.

She lifted you up in the air and spun you around, your laughter echoing off the walls of the room. When she had put you down, she kept her arms around your waist and moved her head back and stared at you so deeply it made you shiver.

When she whispered, _"I'm so proud of you," _tears collected in your eyes.

Your stomach fluttered.

You were so happy in that moment, and the girl in front of you was the reason for it.

* * *

The two of you stay like that until the amount of cars in the parking lot dwindled down to only a handful. When she mumbles against your collarbone that the two of you should leave, you hum in agreement and turn your head slightly to press a kiss to the side of her head before releasing her.

The corner of her lips lift into a small smile in thanks and you return it.

You take a step away from her and watch her open and close the driver door before you hear the car starting. Your eyes watch her drive away, following the taillights until they turn and exit Paramount.

Today started off so well...

(You swear you saw the outline of her face turn and look towards you before she drove away.)

* * *

When Glee finally winds down, the rest of your life starts to speed up. There are houses to sell and to buy, vacations to plan, studio sessions to organize, family to spend time with, and too many little things in between.

But first there's the wrap party.

The last day of work was emotional like it is every year, but you can always count on the party afterwards to cheer you up.

You bring Sean because he doesn't have a show and you don't want to show up by yourself. You may have your brother, but you know he's going to ditch you for the guys the moment he gets there.

You don't feel like being alone in a crowded room.

You decide to wear something casual tonight because it's not a public event, so there are no photographers to pose for or spectators to impress.

Your brother picks up you and Sean and drives to Ryan's house. When the car pulls up, you can tell from the vast amount of cars lining the street that this will be one hell of a night.

The moment you walk in you're bombarded with the sound of blasting music and a sea of people talking all at once. It's dark, but there are lights flashing all over the walls and you squeeze the hand in yours because it's all a little overwhelming.

You find the open bar and order a drink to make tonight go smoother. Sean is trying to talk to you but you can't hear a word he's saying so you grab him and find a seating area that surrounds a mounted television.

He's telling you about the upcoming vacation the two of you are going on when your brother comes over with two shots. He starts dancing alongside the Kanye West song that's bouncing off of every wall, and you can tell he's trying to get you to loosen up. It's not that hard because whenever your brother is in one of these moods, it's easy for you to let go and join him.

So you take the shot and slam it back and the two of you start rapping along to the music. You grab Sean's beanie and put it on before telling your brother to take a video of you.

You spend the next few songs taking shots and dancing. Sean's laughs at the way you're moving because its not exactly coordinated, but you don't really care. You're having fun and spending time with people who won't remind you that there's something wrong.

You tell your brother and Sean that you have to go to the restroom and they tell you they're going to go find some of the guys. Sean kisses you on the cheek and you start wandering around, trying to find someone who might know where the bathroom is, but it's hard when your head is fuzzy.

You don't find anyone so you decide to look for the restroom yourself. You get to the stairs and quickly stumble up them and start walking down the hallway. You find the master bedroom at the end and pump your fist in celebration.

When you're done washing your hands, you hear a door opening and closing. It's sounds close so you quickly dry your hands and call out to see who it may be.

"Hello!?"

She's just as surprised to see you, as you are to see her.

You knew she was coming to the party; you just didn't think you would interact with her. You told yourself that you wouldn't. You told yourself you were going to have a good time and stay with your boyfriend and your brother and your friends- anything to keep yourself away from her. It had been working too.

"Uhh, the restrooms downstairs are occupied and I really have to go so..."

Right...

"Oh yeaaa! You must not have a lot of room down there now that you've got that baby!"

You find your witty remark hilarious and start laughing. When you look at Heather she's just standing there looking at her hands. You think she's waiting for you to stop so you take a few exaggerated breaths and calm down.

She looks at you when you finally stop giggling and says, "So, I'm just going to..."

She trails off and starts walking towards the bathroom and you take a step to walk out, but you stumble and then you feel her grab your arms to stop you. When you look up, she's so close to you and she must notice as well because the hands on your arms drop. She keeps looking at you and you can tell she's checking if you're ok, but you don't want her to worry about you tonight, so you distract her.

"Whoa, did you get taller?"

God, you're drunk.

"Naya-"

"No really, is it possible you've grown since you've gotten knocked up or something?"

You're going to punch yourself when you wake up tomorrow.

"Naya!"

Well, she sounds angry.

You try not to show how much you regret the words that just came out of your mouth, but before you know it you feel your mouth opening and-

"What? I'm just sayin' it like it is!"

You're not even sure where that one came from…

"'Saying it like it is?' What the hell Naya?! What's wrong with you?"

You feel your head starting to clear up at her words and you no longer have any drunken courage running through you to say anything obnoxious back.

So you just look at her, stunned into silence. But then you see her face become even angrier and you feel like she's about to put you in your place.

"You know what Naya? Just go back to your _rapper boyfriend_ and get even more drunk and go say stupid shit somewhere else. I hope you have a _great_ night!"

Yep, you were right.

She stares at you a second longer with anger in her eyes before stepping passed you and slamming the bathroom door closed.

You're left standing there, swaying slightly for a few moments before your mouth finally works.

"I'm sorry," you whisper to no one.

* * *

You do what she says and go back downstairs and drink more and dance with your boyfriend.

When the party starts winding down, you feel like you're about to pass out. You've had far too much.

You grab a water bottle from the bar and tell your brother it's time to go.

When you get home, you feel like you've sobered up but you've still got energy buzzing inside you. It feels like anger and frustration and missing an opportunity to explain something and wishing that you could get another chance.

You go find Sean in the living room and grab him and drag him up to your room.

Things move quickly again and you don't know if it's from the alcohol in your blood or adrenaline, but whatever is affecting you is causing your head to spin and you can barely process all that's happening.

You know you can feel the cold of the air conditioning gently caressing your entire body and that you're lying down on your bed. You can hear how heavy your breathing is and your lips hurt like they've been pressing against something too hard. Then you feel the bed start to shift and a weight on top of you and-

Everything's fuzzy after that.

* * *

You move into your new house a few weeks later. You hired movers to move your things, so when you get back from a meeting at the studio, your new house is complete furnished. There are still boxes with the more specific things for you to put where you want them, but you don't have the energy to organize them right now.

You go up to your bedroom and look around at the new space. You still have to unpack most of your clothes, but the decorations and the art and the light streaming in is perfect. This room and this house and this life feel perfect.

You decide to go out onto your balcony and look at the view, remembering how beautiful the pictures looked, and even they didn't quite do it justice because it's beyond spectacular. The sight in front of you is made up of a whole valley of green, with massive hills making up the skyline. It's peaceful too. You can see yourself coming out here to read or take a nap or write. The opportunities this house offers seem endless and you can't wait.

You feel like you're finally getting everything you've ever wanted too.

* * *

You have a housewarming party a week later. You wanted to do it before you left for Hawaii, so you invited people via text and thankfully it wasn't too short of notice because almost everyone tells you they can come. Even her.

The party starts early in the evening and right from the beginning people tell you how amazing the house is. A lot of the cast makes fun of you, saying that you just had a housewarming party not too long ago, and you laugh along because you agree. But you know they can see that you're really happy here, and they're always looking for an excuse to have a party.

You decide not to drink tonight because you have a brand new house and a bunch of your intoxicated friends to be responsible for. It's nice to sit back and laugh at them doing stupid things though.

Kevin and Harry are playing around in the backyard and you're laughing so hard your stomach hurts. And when Kevin pushes Harry into the pool, you practically fall on the ground with tears coming out of your eyes.

When you've calmed down, you tell Harry that you're going to go get him a towel, but you're pretty sure he couldn't hear you over the music and all the people yelling.

You're about to walk into your master bath for a towel when you see something on your balcony.

You take a deep breath and decide that this could be your chance to apologize for last time.

"So what do you think of the view?"

She turns around slightly and the two of you smile at each other.

So far so good...

"It's beautiful Naya."

She turns back around to look out at the valley and you walk up beside her and join her. You rest your arms on the wall surrounding the balcony and look out at all that's in front of you. The sun is setting and it's casting a purple and pink hue across the sky, and the view of the trees and the hills is crystal clear. She's right.

"You know, when my mom was telling me about this house, I knew it was perfect, but this- this proves I was totally right."

You smile at your joke and turn to look at her and see she's amused. When you start giggling, she drops her head and shakes it back and forth, her laughter growing.

When she looks back up at you, her mouth is no longer smiling but her eyes are, and she says, "I'm proud of you."

Your stomach flutters again.

You see how sincere she is and when she smiles again, it's small. It reminds you of a few years ago, when she would look at you like this all the time. You miss it.

You drop your head bashfully and say quietly, "Thank you."

She gives you a nod and turns her head forward. You copy her and the two of stay like that, leaning against the balcony wall, watching the sunset until the sky is purple and you begin to see stars dot the sky.

You take a deep breath before saying gently, "I'm sorry for what I said a few weeks ago. I was out of line."

You feel her looking at you and decide to show her you're sincere, so you turn to look at her as well.

She's searching your face and you hope she can see how much you mean it, how much you regret what you did.

She gives you a nod before saying, "Thank you."

It's not an "I forgive you," but you don't expect to be forgiven. You don't think you deserve it yet.

The two of you go back to watching the sky getting darker.

* * *

When you start to feel the first chills of night, you remember something. You've been thinking about it ever since you moved in and you have this sudden urge to tell her, so you take a deep breath and don't give yourself a chance to think.

"When I read the description for this place, it said this was a 'perfect home for a family.' And like, I didn't really pay attention to it because I'm pretty sure all big houses are described like that, but when I was all moved in, I got it. This really is the perfect house to raise a family."

You can feel her looking at you when you stop, but you're too busy focusing on all the new stars appearing. You're glad she's still paying attention because you're not finished. You can feel your heart beating faster and faster and you hope the noise of the party below covers up the sound.

When you decide to finally say it, you drop your head and look at your hands. You focus on playing with your fingers when you open your mouth and-

"I think I wanted a family with you."

You hear her take a sharp breath and you force your head to stay down because you can't look at her. You're pretty sure your heart is in your throat and you're still holding your fingers, but this time it's to calm your shaking hands.

You never thought you'd ever tell her.

"Naya," she says, releasing your name like she's releasing a breath.

You start to shake your head because you don't want to discuss this; you just want to tell her something you've kept inside yourself for a long time.

You see her start to move out of the corner of your eye and you think she's going to leave. You knew you never should've said it, now she doesn't even want to be around you.

But instead of leaving she stays. She stayed and she grabs one of your hands and turns your body so you're facing her. She stayed and you're so scared to look at her face because you don't know what it's going to tell you. She stayed and you don't know what that means.

But you have no choice because her other hand comes up to your chin and lifts your head. You try and keep your eyes down but its impossible, so you finally look at her and see her eyebrows and forehead furrowed so tight you swear it looks like she's about to cry.

What did you do...

She must've been waiting for you to look at her because you only get to do it for a moment more before she drops your hand she's holding and takes a step closer, her bump pressing softly against your stomach.

It feels so surreal.

The hand on your chin moves to your cheek and the other hand comes up as well and it feels so good. The hands on your face feel warm and comforting and safe.

You don't know what's going on and you don't think you could ask her because your voice is gone. You're just staring at her, hoping your eyes tell her what you want to say- that you're scared and you're sorry and you wish things hadn't changed- but then her face comes closer and closer to yours until you can't focus on her face any more and you have to close your eyes.

Her forehead rests against yours and it feels so perfect, but so _so_ scary. Having her so close still feels the way it used to. It's warm and gentle and your skin feels like it's vibrating. It still feels right.

You hear her take a deep breath and you feel like she's about to speak, but you don't want to leave this moment. It's perfect and you would give anything not to ruin it, but she's does. She speaks and you hold your breath.

"I-I did too, Naya..."

Her voice breaks at the end of your name and it makes you squeeze your eyes even tighter until you start seeing spots and the knot in your throat starts to hurt. You try and process what you just heard, but you don't know how, and you make a sound from the back of your throat because you're trying- you're trying to keep yourself together but it's too much.

You feel her move her head away from yours slightly. She whispers your name and you can feel her breath on your lips.

You barely open your eyes and see she's only inches away. The way she's looking at you causes your eyes to burn, and then too quickly there are tears blurring your vision. She see's what's happening and starts to come close again- too close- but the sound of splashing and laughter catches your attention. You take a stumbling step backwards and inhale quickly several times, trying to clear your head.

You look down into the backyard to see Harry swimming in your pool and you remember what you were supposed to come up here for.

You don't bother looking at her because you're panicking, so you turn to start walking away when she grabs your sleeve.

"Naya wait!"

No, that- that sounds like a very bad, very scary idea.

"Heather, _please_...," you beg.

The knot in your throat made those words hurt even more.

Every time you imagined this happening, you never got to the part _after_ you told her, and now you know why- because you never imagined a situation like this.

You can tell by the look on her face that she doesn't want to let you go, but you continue to beg with your eyes and your tears and she finally releases her grip on you. You don't spend another second looking at her and walk away.

Your throat doesn't stop hurting until you fall asleep that night.

* * *

Hawaii is still just as beautiful as you remember.

It feels a lot like the past few times you've been here: you stay in a beautiful hotel, you drink every floral drink you can get your hands on, and you get away.

Sean's family and friends are polite and welcoming, but also loud and outrageous. They're a lot like your family and it's comforting.

This trip is exactly what you needed, you've been working so hard for a while now and this is a nice break. It feels good to let go and have fun with these people.

But you've also gotten the feeling that you may not be as welcome as they make it seems.

You were walking down the hallway to your hotel room one evening when you heard some of Sean's friends talk in hushed tones of his past girlfriend. You know you weren't meant to hear them, but still you stayed. You were surprised that it didn't hurt to hear them talk so highly of her and compare the two of you. You simply understood.

You have a lot of fun and you laugh and you get to know everyone, but now you can tell these people miss this other girl and you can never fill that space that she made.

You think about telling them that you know how they feel- that you had someone you were with for years and things didn't work out, that no matter what you do, there's always going to be a space there that you can't fill.

You wish you could tell them that you're waiting for someone too.

So much beauty and breathtaking scenes surround you, but then you think about how watching the sunset from your balcony is so much better.

Especially when you had someone to share it with.

When you do take the time to really look at everything, you let the peaceful atmosphere wash over you, like the ocean on the sand.

* * *

After dinner on your last night, Sean tells you that a few of his friends want him to join them at a bar. It's a perfect opportunity for you, so you let him leave and go back to your room and grab your phone.

You find a spot on the beach that you've come to a couple of times and pull your phone out of your pocket and turn it on.

There's an unheard voicemail from her that you've ignored since the day she left it 6 days ago. You weren't ready to hear it then, but you feel ready now. You think that it won't hurt as much here- like the sunset and the sand and the sound of the ocean will comfort you.

So you find the voicemail and select it before you can talk yourself out of it. You look out at the sun meeting the ocean while the automated voice speaks. When it stops, you take a deep breath and close your eyes, bracing yourself.

* * *

You think about her words the whole plane ride back.

_"Naya, it's Heather…"_

Sean's asleep next to you, so you take out your phone and your headphones and turn your music on, hoping the sounds will drown out the words in your head.

_"I- I don't even know what to say..."_

You turn the volume up and focus on the lyrics you're listening to. You focus on how these artists express how they feel, but it only reminds you of someone else who did the same.

_"What you told me- I never thought- I mean, I dreamt about hearing you say that, but I never thought it would ever happen, ya know? But then you finally did- like, you actually said it and now I don't- I don't know what to do..."_

You thought this time away would be good for you and help you forget, but it didn't. She's still there - in your head - consuming everything. And you think she really does have everything. She got the best of you and you don't know how to let that go.

_"Things aren't what they were Nay, we're aren't... but do you- do you remember what I said? I said that I pictured it too. I _meant_ that. Like, I remember sometimes I would look at you and see everything I could ever want. Sometimes I still do..."_

She finally told you how she feels, but how are things supposed to ever be the same?

_"I guess I just needed you to know that. I hope this was ok, like- I hope it made sense... Bye Naya."_

When you finally land at LAX, it doesn't feel as good as you thought it would. Because even if you're no longer thousands of miles away from her, it still feels like it.

* * *

You get home and drag your feet up the stairs and unload your bags in your bedroom. You're exhausted and all you want to do is sleep. You rub your hands on your face and walk over to your balcony door to open it and-

And you don't know if your balcony will ever feel the same.

You don't know if _you'll_ ever feel the same.

She really does have everything.


	3. Chapter 3

June goes by quickly. An entire month and nothing happens. Nothing from her.

But you keep yourself busy. You record and write and make the music you've always dreamt of.

You got to events, and do more photo shoots, and more interviews.

You spend time with your friends and family, laughing and drinking and staying up until the early hours of the morning.

You got to your boyfriend's shows and spend time with him because that's what you're supposed to do; it's what's expected.

You try not to think about it, because if you don't think about it, you'll be ok.

Even if you have to avoid everything that may remind you of her, you do it. You do anything you can, and eventually, it starts working.

You start getting through the day a little easier. Your laugh doesn't feel as forced. When you kiss Sean, it doesn't seem as staged. When you smile, it feels more genuine.

You start to feel ok again.

But when you get home one morning from spin class and check your mailbox, the new foundation you've built crumbles beneath you.

* * *

It just sits on your kitchen counter.

The moment you saw the address it came from, you started putting pieces together.

She's about 7 months.

She wouldn't just send you a card for the hell of it.

You already know what it is and yet you still can't get yourself to take out the invitation.

You don't want to read the printed words that tell how the new couple wants to celebrate their new baby.

You don't want to see the date or the time or what games will be played.

But after staring at the envelope for so long, you do. You tear it open, pull the invitation out, and read it.

Like ripping off a band-aid...

It's set for the fourth of August. It's being held at an unfamiliar address. It's planned to last for 3 hours.

And you were right: "We would like to invite you to celebrate a new addition to our family!"

You never thought a universal, card company phrase could hurt so much.

But there was one detail you didn't think about before opening the envelope-

The color of the invitation.

* * *

You ask Kevin and Dianna and Telly and Brittany and Meg and Mychal and Nickayla and your mom- everyone. You ask all the people you trust if you should go.

Some say you should attend, some say you probably shouldn't. Dianna tells you to do what your heart tells you, but you can't hear your heart because you're thinking so loudly you can hardly concentrate.

Your choice changes daily.

Some days you think you'd be fine if you went. Some days you feel so complete overwhelmed that even just thinking about going makes your chest ache.

You think you might actually have fun, and you would be able to spend time with some of your mutual friends. You do miss Ashley.

But then you think about seeing her mother and her sisters, and you don't know if you could face them. You're a good actress, but you don't think you'd be able to play the "happy friend" in front of those women.

You don't think you'll be able to hide the hurt in your eyes if you went.

But you also know that Heather will be so happy.

You don't know what to do...

* * *

An opportunity arises near the end of July. A magazine wants to have a photo shoot and interview you, but they're in Italy. Your manager asks you what you want to do and you think fate has made the choice for you.

(Fate has decided a lot of things in your life in the last few years...)

Your flight leaves July 29th.

You return August 6th.

Kevin texts you the night before you leave, asking if you're sure this is what you want to do. It is. It has to be, and you tell him that.

Sean can't come because he has a concert, so it's just you and your manager. You feel guilty, but you're thankful for the time apart.

You sleep the entire flight. After last time you were on a plane, being awake doesn't sound like a good idea.

* * *

When you get to the location, it's at a small stone cottage off of a dirt road. It's charming and sweet, like something you would see on a postcard or a painting.

They start with the interview. The woman asks about Glee and your future on the show. They ask about your album and for hints about some of the songs. They ask about Sean.

You tell them all the answers you have rehearsed and memorized.

You don't tell them about the regrets or mistakes or missed chances or the looks exchanged or the touches that left you tingling-

You've been told what to answer, and that's what you do. You read from the script, and you don't deviate.

When they start the photo shoot, you pay attention to the photographer. You keep repeating his instructions and stay aware of your body.

You suddenly hear music and the photographer tells you they want a couple shots of you dancing. You're nervous, so you focus on the music and let your mind drift.

You'll regret it later.

* * *

It was a late night during the season two winter hiatus, and even though it had only been a week, the cast was already missing each other, so someone suggested going out dancing.

Everyone was going. Even her. You were so nervous and excited and anxious. Mostly excited.

The girls all met at Jenna's house and finished getting ready. There was some drinking too, and you joined in on that. Amber decided to be the designated driver, so she took the keys to your Ranger Rover and all six of you squeeze in.

You ended up sitting in the very back, right in the middle of Lea and of course- her.

You were wearing a short dress. She was wearing a short dress.

Your skin tingled.

The club had a massive line of people in front of it. You felt extremely grateful when your group walked right through the entrance.

The boys were already there, but trying to find them in a club packed with people was overwhelming.

As you followed your friends through the sea of people, you got worried about losing her. She was walking behind you, so you held out your hand behind you and felt her hand in yours, fingers linking tightly.

You started walking a little taller, her touch giving you confidence.

You found the boys in a secluded booth against a sidewall. They had shots all over the table and you grab one, confidence still flowing through you.

Kevin and Harry asked if anyone were ready to go dance and you yelled "hell yea!" so loud, everyone started laughing. You saw her smile.

Your stomach fluttered.

Jenna was the only one who came too, and after a few more shots, the four of you went down to the floor, found some space, and danced.

You jumped up and down and swayed your hips to the beat, and even forced Kevin to grind on you- that was probably the alcohol.

All four of you were sweating and it was so hot, but you didn't care, it was exactly what you needed. Kevin and Jenna and Harry let you know they were going back to the booth, but you told them you had to run to the bathroom.

As you were returning, you got lost trying to make your way back, so you decided to walk through the dance floor, thinking you'd just go back the way you came.

But when you were halfway through the mass of people, a hand grasped your forearm. It wasn't rough, but it was strong enough and it turned you around until you were facing a stranger.

The guy had dark, shaggy hair and tan skin. You looked at him, surprised and shocked by his action. He must've noticed because he dropped your arm and said, "umm, do you wanna dance?"

You could barely hear him over the music, so you furrowed your eyebrows and shook your head. It wasn't meant as an invitation, but he suddenly pressed himself against you and positioned his head near your ear.

"I said, would you like to dance!?"

You snapped your head back because this guy just yelled far too loudly into your ear. But you heard him this time, and his offer didn't sound like something you wanted at all.

You didn't want to get close to him, so you shook your head and yelled, "I'm ok, thank you though!"

You go to turn away, thinking you're in the clear, but he placed his hand on your lower back and that stopped you. This guy must not like getting rejected...

"Wait! Just one dance!?"

You really didn't want to. You just wanted to go find your friends and laugh and drink and dance with them. Not this guy.

You shake your head no, but that didn't stop him. He started coming closer to you again, but not to yell in your ear. You can tell he was trying to make some move to dance with you anyways.

You started backing away as quickly as you could while surrounded by so many people, but then you walked right into someone and the guy stopped coming towards you.

"Hey, I found you!"

The moment you heard her voice, you felt an indescribable amount of relief. You turned around quickly and saw her, with her curled hair and stunning smile.

You wrapped your arms around her neck so quickly, desperate to get that guy away from you. She didn't hesitate in wrapping her arms around your waist and holding you tightly.

Having her like that, no matter if it were in a crowded club, made you feel special.

When you released her, you turned your head around slightly and saw the guy was gone. She was your hero.

You turned back around to face her and saw she was smiling. You wondered if she did that on purpose or not, but either way you were thankful.

And you told her as much, stepping up against her and saying in her ear, "thank you so much!"

When you backed away, your face didn't go far from hers. Her hands were still around your waist.

She kept smiling as she leaned into your ear, squeezing your hips gently.

"No problem! That dude looked like he was annoying you!" she said.

When she backed up, you nodded your head up and down rapidly to confirm her speculation, and she laughed. You wanted to show her how thankful you were though, so you placed your hand on her bicep and pulled yourself close again.

"Do you wanna dance?!"

When you backed away, almost immediately you saw her eyes brighten and her smile grow. She nodded her head eagerly and before you had a chance to start dancing, you felt her grab your hand and start pulling.

You were a little confused and curious as to where she was taking you when you were already on the dance floor. Where people are meant to dance...

But your curiosity was dismissed when you found yourself being lead onto a raised platform at the back of the main dance floor. As she led you up the stairs, you saw the area was rectangular, but not very wide, and surrounded by a railing.

There weren't as many people up here, so it was easier to find some space near one side of the platform. Her hand tightened in yours before she pulled you in front of her, turned you towards her, and pushed you towards the railing.

The metal bar pressed against your lower back, and a second bar against your calf. You stared at her and you could feel the confusion written on your face. She only smiled mysteriously, and started coming closer and closer towards you.

She grabbed the railing on either side of your body and placed her mouth right against your ear and said just loud enough for you to hear-

"You ready?"

She didn't move away from her place right by your ear. You felt her simply shift her head slightly, until her breath was on your neck.

Even in the hot nightclub, you shivered.

And the tone of her voice... She sounded like she was provoking you. Teasing you with whatever she had planned.

You wished you had more alcohol...

Whatever confidence you had at the beginning of the night was long gone. You were at her mercy.

You nodded your head slightly, hoping she noticed over the pounding music and the darkness.

You felt her answer when her lips that were grazing your neck spread into a smile.

More chills.

When you felt her start to move her hips, you shut your eyes and blocked out everything else around you. The noise of the club, the music, the flashing lights, the other people on the platform- all of it. All you focused on was her.

She stayed pressed against you, her hands on either side of your body, her body rolled and her thigh slipped between your legs.

You had no idea where to put your hands. You were too scared to put them on her, and having them at your side screamed "teenage boy."

You decided to place them on the bar behind you, but just as you lifted them up, she grabbed them quickly and stopped you.

You looked at her, confused as to why she did that. She stared right back, an unknown determination in her eyes.

You weren't confused for long though because suddenly she broke eye contact, turned away from you, re-positioned her hands so they were on top of yours, and pulled them until they were on her hips.

Oh.

You trembled. With excitement. Nerves.

Then she started to move again.

You were glad no one was watching because your eyes were glued on her hips. The way she moved her body to the rhythm- it was mesmerizing.

Your hands squeezed.

Her hands that were on top of yours changed, and then she had her fingers interlocked with yours, pulling your hands further around her body until they were on her abdomen.

You felt her muscles move beneath your fingertips.

You started swaying your hips.

You don't know if you initiated something, but moments after you start moving, her hips start swaying faster, hitting the beat harder. She got closer.

She was pressed right up against you, her ass pushing against your own hips.

Your breathing stopped working properly. Air was going out in burst and you were inhaling sporadically.

Then she stood up straighter and flipped her hair back, her back pressed against your chest.

Your head fit right above her shoulder and you placed it there.

She started swaying faster and pressing back harder. You felt her turn her head towards yours, her breath brushing against your face.

Your hands were still interlocked with hers, and you could feel her squeeze your fingers tightly. You squeezed back.

But then she suddenly released your grip and you were still too nervous to keep your hands where they were without her holding you, so you moved your hands back to her waist.

Then she bent over.

It happened so fast and so suddenly, you couldn't have predicted her doing it.

You saw her dress rise and you made a sound in the back of your throat that sounded a lot like a whine. You were thankful for the loud music.

The platform was so small width-wise that she could grab the bars parallel from you. And she did. She grabbed those bars across from her and used them the best possible way- to press closer and grind harder.

Butterflies were in your stomach and chest, making you so incredibly nervous.

She was probably a little drunk; you were definitely more than a little drunk. You knew what you wanted to do, but you didn't know if you should.

But then you decided you could blame any possibly inappropriate actions on you being drunk.

It was easy to let go of your nerves after that.

You moved your hands around until they were in the crease of where her hip and abdomen met, and you pulled. You gripped the fabric of her dress under your hands until she was pressed harder against you.

You felt your dress move too, her ass was grinding so hard; it forced the bottom hem to go up. You could feel it move slightly every time she moved her hips side to side.

It felt like she was teasing you and it was driving you crazy. The way her body moved was torture.

You wanted payback.

You grab her bicep from behind and pull her upper body up. You didn't want her questioning you, so you pushed.

You pushed until she took a step, pressing her against the opposite railing. You grabbed both of her hands and placed them on the bar. Then you pressed yourself tightly against her back, her ass snug between your hips, and placed your lips against her ear.

"Your turn," you said, as loudly and as gently as possible.

Then you dragged your lips against the shell of her ear.

Payback's a bitch.

You had a smug grin on your face the entire time you watched her turn around.

You took a moment to take it all in. She was standing there, back pressed against the railing, almost panting. Her bangs were matted to her forehead and the flashing nightclub lights let you see the sweat glistening on her chest and arms.

Sweet, sweet torture.

You heard a song playing that had a deep, strong bass. Perfect for what you had planned.

You took a quick step into her and placed your hands in the space between her arms and body, and rolled your hips against hers. You put your face just beside her jaw, your breath hitting the side of neck.

It felt so hot and sweaty and good.

Indescribably good.

You rolled your hips into hers again and when you pressed just right against her hip, some kind of uncontrollable, moan-like sound came from the back of your throat.

Out of this world good.

She must've heard you because suddenly her right hand left the bar and wrapped around your waist, far too low on your back. Her face was near your neck as well and you could hear her making little noises as well.

Such sweet, evil torture...

You re-positioned one of your legs so it was place in between each of hers and rolled your hips hard again. And again.

You followed the bass of the song that was playing and let it control your body. You were sweating so much, and you could feel the inside of your thigh rubbing together with hers as you shifted your hips from side to side, forward and backwards.

You moved one of your hands from the bar and held her waist, drawing her harder against you.

She responded by moving her hand on your lower back to your ass and squeezed. She gripped it, and that forced your hips closer against hers.

You were barely even dancing anymore. The two of you were pressed so tightly against each other, there was little thought to keeping a rhythm.

You were so aware of yourself. All of your senses were heightened and working so efficiently, you felt everything.

The sound of her panting little moans against your neck.

The friction of her thigh against yours.

The smell of her sweat.

The lights flashing around the black club.

And taste- taste came too suddenly as well.

(That whole night felt full of sudden moments; moments that you never saw coming.)

She had moved the hand from your ass to your waist and pushed you away.

It happened so quickly, one minute you were pressed against her, the next you were an arms length away.

You were sweaty and confused and buzzing. You skin was buzzing and tingling, and you would really like to continue dancing because it made the tingling go away.

But when you looked her in the eyes, you think she was feeling it too. You saw something in them that told you that it wasn't just you.

Both of you realize what was happening at the same time and then her hand that wasn't on your waist came up to the back of your neck. Almost simultaneously, you moved your hands to her cheeks. Then the both of you pulled.

Her mouth pressed so hard against yours. Her top lip was between both of yours and you felt the buzzing and tingling grow. It was in your lips and where her hand was gripping your neck and in your palms that was on her face and-

Everywhere. The tingling was everywhere.

When you felt her tongue pressing on your lips, you realized where you were, what both of you were doing, and you pulled away.

The buzzing and the tingling were going crazy, but you couldn't continue. You were in a nightclub, making out on a platform with 15 other people.

That was not where you should do this.

You didn't move far, your faces were still close, inches away. You wanted to get her attention, so you stroked her cheeks with your thumbs and nudged your nose against hers. She opened her eyes and you think she understood why you stopped the kiss.

You lifted your arms until they draped over her shoulders and pulled her into a hug. She wrapped both her arms around your waist and held you gently.

After all the pulling and pushing and pressing, having her hold you felt just as good.

You whispered, "wanna go back to the booth?" as loudly and as gently as you could.

You felt her nod against the side of your neck and then release her arms.

When you pulled away, you gave her an apologetic smile. You knew both of you had gotten carried away.

She moved herself from between the bar and your body, grabbed your hand, and led you down the platform. You watched her as she led you confidently through the crowd.

You wondered if she felt as proud holding your handing as you did earlier.

When you got to the outside of the crowd, you took a few quick steps until you were right beside her. You removed the hand she was holding and moved it up until you were gripping the inside of her elbow.

She glanced over at you and smiled. You're glad she liked having you close, you liked being close to her.

You spent the rest of the night with her right next to you. The tingling continued.

When you got home that night, she came with you.

The tension from the club was still there. The tension from the past two years was still there.

It took all of 10 minutes before your short dresses were strewn across the floor and your bras and underwear were thrown around your bedroom.

That night was the first time the two of you slept together.

It was fast and hard and passionate and nothing you ever could've imagined.

It was everything you never knew you wanted.

The tingling never went away.

* * *

On your last day in Italy, you ask your manager if you could run a few errands before you two have to leave. She checks your flight time and tells you the flight isn't until tonight, so you're ok to leave.

You looked up a few stores on your phone and make your way out of your hotel lobby and wave down a taxi when you get to the street. It's still beautiful outside. You keep focusing on that.

When you arrive at your destination, you are instantly stunned. This isn't like any series of stores you've ever seen. The streets are lined with shops and boutiques and restaurants. Even the roads themselves are amazing, their stonework fascinating you.

You wander around and find a shop you looked up earlier on your computer in your hotel room. You see little blazers and baby sized collared shirts and small sunglasses. You see cute dresses and adorable skirts and tiny sandals.

You're a little jealous of the toddlers that get to wear these clothes. From the pictures you've looked at in your parent's house, you wore a lot of pink, frilly outfits when you were little.

You're looking through the girls accessory department when a store employee approaches you.

"Ciao! Is there anything I can help you with today?" the woman says, a little too loudly.

She startles you and you jump slightly. But you do need help, so after you've calmed down a little, you reply.

"Uhh, yea. I was wondering where the newborn area would be?"

The woman looks excited that you actually asked for help. She's starting to frighten you a little...

"Yes, in the back! Do you know the gender of the child?"

You do.

"Yea…" you say, your voice sounding disheartened.

You don't mean for your tone to be so... sad. Or maybe you can't help it. Maybe its one of those days when you're feeling too much, and today you're sad.

Heather's having a girl.

* * *

Your flight was too long and when you get home later the next morning, you have zero energy to unpack. Mostly because you're tired, and also because you had to buy an entire new piece of luggage to carry what you bought.

It's not all baby clothes; you bought some things for yourself too. It's just mostly baby stuff. You visited three more children's stores after the first one, and a few stores for yourself. It was a productive day.

You sigh.

You don't know how you feel. You're mind is still going back and forth constantly. You wish you could just make it stop, or turn it off.

But then you remember the little dress with the ballerina on it that you bought and smile. You can't help but imagine what this little girl might look like wearing it.

It's bittersweet.

When you finally fall asleep an hour or so later, you dream of the little girl and her mother again. This time the little girl is dressed just like a ballerina.

* * *

You wait a few days after you get back to call her. You have all of this stuff in boxes and wrapped just sitting in your closet. Every time you go to pick out an outfit, it's just sitting there, mocking you.

So you decide to call her.

It takes a lot more effort than you thought to find her name in your contacts.

She sounds surprised when she answers. Her voice sounds confused and stunned, and you suddenly feel awkward. Maybe you shouldn't have called, maybe you should've just texted her.

Maybe you should've just sent the package to her house…

But no, you hear her say "hello?...," and you're stuck.

"Uhh hey, Heather, it's Naya."

Obviously it's you, your face probably popped up on her phone screen. Idiot…

"Yea, I saw... What's up Naya?"

If only she knew…

"Umm, so I went to Italy last week and I bought some stuff for you- well, for your baby and for you," you say awkwardly.

You wait for her reply, but she doesn't. She pauses and you can only hear faint noises in the background.

You wait and wait, until finally you hear her start to stutter, like she's trying to form words but it isn't working.

"Wow… o-okay. So, do you want me to like, come pick them up or-"

You're quick to jump in and stop what she's about to say.

"Oh, no no! I was thinking I could just like, come over and drop them off?"

You want this to be as quick and painless as possible. You plan on driving over there, saying hi, dropping off the boxes, saying goodbye, and leaving.

That way, you won't have a chance to hurt. Or to hurt her. Hopefully 5 minutes isn't long enough to break your heart.

She replies, "uhh, yea that works too."

She sounds about as excited as you feel. Great. This may become the most awkward 5 minutes of your life.

You tell her you'll be over in about half an hour, and when she hangs up with a quiet, "see you soon," you scramble to get dressed and get the boxes into your car.

You wear your favorite grey shirt, hoping maybe it'll help you.

You take the long way to her condo. You go down all the busiest streets and hit all the long lights.

It's been a while since the last time you saw her. At least two months you think. You had the amount of days memorized, but then you got busy and other things were on your mind, and you forgot.

(You didn't think you'd ever come to a point where you would forget anything relating to her. But you have and your chest hurts thinking about it.)

When you finally pull up to her condo, it's with shaking, sweaty hands and a rapidly beating heart.

You hope this goes well.


	4. Chapter 4

As you're walking down the hallway to her door, you try to calm yourself down. You try to breathe calmly. You shake out one hand to stop it from trembling, and the other is gripping the bags with the gifts in it so tightly that you don't think there's enough blood flowing to your fingers.

You don't know how to stop your heart from beating so fast, so you try not to think about it.

Maybe if you just act calm, eventually it'll feel real.

Maybe not.

You finally get to her door and press the doorbell. You don't think you've ever rung the doorbell; you used to walk straight in.

It's little things like that, that make this a lot worse than you make it seem.

You know you only have a few seconds before she comes to the door, so you take as many deep breaths as you can.

In and out.

In and out.

In and-

"Hey..."

You forget to exhale. You forget what you were just thinking about. You forget what you're wearing. You forget what the date is.

She's... breathtaking.

"Hi," you say, releasing your word as you release a breath.

You wonder if she can tell how nervous you are. Probably. It's not like you could hide it from her anyways.

She smiles at you while she holds the door open, in her stretchy pants and her t-shirt.

You smile back, trying your hardest to make it not seem forced, or awkward. You _are_ happy to see her...

She invites you in and that's when your mental timer starts. Five minutes, that's all you're giving yourself. You're not going to sit with her and talk about shopping or the weather or your dogs. You have a plan, and you are going to do everything you can to stick to it.

When you step past the foyer and into the living room, all the changes hit you all at once.

It smells different and they painted the walls and there are new pictures scattered all around. The bookcase is gone too, replaced by what looks like a video game tower… thing.

She loves to read, so you know it wasn't her idea to take out the bookcase. That makes you a little frustrated- you never would've done that. You would've bought her a bigger bookcase if anything, and the old one would've gone in the baby's ro-.

You don't have time for this. You walk over to the couch and place the bags behind it.

When you turn look up, she isn't next to you, so you look towards the kitchen and see she's reaching for coffee mugs in the overhead cabinet.

No no no, coffee is not part of your plan.

"Um, actually, I can't stay. I have a meeting to go to, so..." You say as quickly and politely as you can.

She turns her head to face you and just kind of stares. Maybe she's checking to see if you're lying. Maybes she sees that you are.

She already grabbed the two mugs, so she just places them on the counter and turns herself all the way around until she's leaning against it.

You feel weird so far away, so you make you're way over towards the breakfast bar section of the counter.

Being closer didn't lift the awkwardness like you thought, if anything it became worse. There's too much tension and energy between the two of you. It's like the wind- you can't see it, but you can feel it.

You don't like wind.

"So what'd you buy?" she says, probably just to break the silence.

"Oh- umm, like onesies and little dresses and stuff."

You say it as casually as you can, hoping it'll be enough information to keep her from actually going over there and looking in the bags.

If she did, she'd see that you spent almost a thousand dollars on things for a child you wish was yours.

You try not to think about it.

She just looks over at the bags, and you look at her. You can't help but notice her belly. It's definitely gotten bigger, but she still looks the same, maybe even better.

Pregnancy looks really good on her.

You never understood what people meant when they would say pregnant women "glow," but now you do. She's always glowed to you, but now… Now she's breathtaking.

"Thank you for doing that, you didn't have to," she says quietly.

It makes your chest twist painfully hearing her say that, like she didn't expect you to get her gifts.

"I wanted to," you tell her honestly.

You can feel yourself being drawn into feelings you didn't want to come anywhere near, so you decide it's time to leave. It's almost been five minutes anyways.

"I actually have to go now, but thanks for letting me stop by and drop that off. If you want to return anything, the receipts are in the bag. The lady said there's a phone number on it you call and they'll ship it back for free."

Once you finish, you start getting up and grab your purse. You start going through it aimlessly, but take a quick glance up at her and see she's still leaning against the counter. You wonder why she's being so quiet.

(But again, she's no longer yours to be concerned about anymore.)

You stop rifling through your purse and lift your head when you hear her start to move. She walks to the front door and you follow a few steps behind.

She opens it and stands to the side. She makes it look easy to let you go, and you act fine as you go to leave.

Even though you don't want to leave, and you don't want her to let you go.

You turn around and look at her as you get past the doorway and it looks like something is on her mind, but you are almost over your five minute time limit. It's time to say goodbye and leave.

"Thanks again. See you soon Heather."

But you want her to know something. Just one more thing, and then you're gone. You think it's the right thing to do.

"And I'm really happy for you, " you say quietly.

You finally turn to leave and you've only taken a few steps into the hallway outside her door when you hear her.

"Are you really?"

Hearing her speak makes you stop and face her. She sounded almost angry, and when you look at her face, it seems like it too. Like she's thinking really hard or she's frustrated. Or both.

"Uhh, what do you mean?" You ask curiously.

Because you are. Why would she question what you said? You thought that was what she would want to hear.

"You said you're happy for me, but did you really mean it? Or are you just saying that bullshit because it's what you think you're _supposed_ to say?" She snaps.

You're stunned into silence by what she just said. You're standing here facing her, wondering what you're supposed to say. Should you be honest? God no. Should you lie again? You could try, but obviously you're not going to convince her. She always knows.

You started shaking your head, if anything to give yourself a little more time to come up with an excuse.

"I don't know what you mean Heather, obviously I meant it. I've gotta go, I'll talk to-"

"Naya stop!"

Fuck.

You were turned and ready to leave, again, but now you're stuck. What is wrong with her? You're giving her what she wants, you're being her friend and telling her you're happy for her. What does she _want_?

"Well what do you _want_ me to say, Heather? Because I'm _really_ confused right now," you ask, your frustration obvious.

She takes a couple steps towards you, so there's only a few feet between the two of you now.

"You wanna know what I _want_ Naya?" Her tone is so dangerously low, goose bumps rise along your arms and on the back of your neck.

You keep eye contact, not letting her intimidate you.

"Just tell me how you really feel, that's all. Tell me the _truth_, because I swear if you lie to me one more time..." she finishes, warningly.

She'll what? She has nothing left to take. Maybe if she knew that, she would let you leave.

"What would you do, huh Heather? _Nothing_. So don't even _pull_ that shit." It's your turn to snap, because you not about to let her hold something over you that doesn't even exist.

"I'm not letting you leave until I know-"

"Know what!?" You yell because you are so _frustrated_. If she wants to know how you really feel, then fine. It's time for you to get this off your chest anyways.

"You wanna know how I really feel, is that it?" You ask angrily, and wait for her to show any kind of approval. When she just keeps staring at you and doesn't say anything, that tells you enough.

"I _hate_ this! I hate that- that I'm forced to stand on the fucking sidelines and watch this happen to you! Instead I'm off doing photo shoots and commercials and all that other shit, and I can't be here for you the way I want to!"

You take a few breaths and try to calm down.

She's still just standing there, staring.

(But you also see the way her eyes are shimmering, you see the tears collecting.)

"I hate that this kid isn't ours. I hate that both of us wanted it, but it isn't going to happen. And yet I'm stuck having dreams about having a child with you, but that's all they are- _dreams_. So there, you got what you wanted."

You suddenly feel tears on your face and a knot in your throat. You didn't even realize you were crying while you were talking.

So that's it. She wanted honesty and you gave it to her. It's the only thing you have left to give.

Now you're going to leave. You need to go somewhere far away from here; you don't even care where anymore. So you turn away from her, knowing things will never be the same.

But she reacts.

* * *

The first time the two of you fought was her fault.

She said it was yours, but you didn't know you even did anything wrong.

It was stupid.

You were filming Blame It On The Alcohol and you were having a lot of fun shooting and being playful with everyone, but later on you'd find that she didn't like that.

So maybe you put your arms around Mark's neck a couple of times. And maybe you danced with Chord a little too suggestively.

You tried to talk to her when everyone got a break, but the moment you went up to her, she turned and walked away.

She also completely ignored you calling her name. She just left.

Kevin asked you, _"What's up with her?"_ But you had no idea, so you followed her.

You didn't even mind knocking on the trailer door- it was half yours anyways.

"What the hell Heather?" You ask loudly.

She was sitting on the built-in couch, obviously trying to hide how she was feeling. She could try all she wanted, but you would still figure it out.

She doesn't respond, she just keeps picking at her nails, ignoring you. You were starting to get angry, you could feel it.

"Heather!?" You said it louder, hoping she would finally start paying attention to you.

She did.

"What, Naya?" She said it loudly too, like she was frustrated as well, but _why_?

"What the hell's your problem?" You said, your voice still loud.

She didn't answer right away; instead she dropped her head and shook it back and forth.

You thought about calming down, but seeing her obviously denying something really frustrated you.

"It's nothing, whatever...," she said, so indifferently, but you knew she was anything but indifferent.

"No, it's not 'whatever.' Tell me what's wrong. Please?" You said the 'please' with less anger, but it was apparent how frustrate you still were.

She suddenly stood up and you became a lot more intimidated.

"Fine! Why were you _all_ _over_ Mark and Chord? Like, what the hell was that all about?" She yelled, and you were stunned.

She saw?

She _cared_?

You didn't think she had a right to be jealous.

The two of you had slept together a few times after the night at the club, but the two of you hadn't talked about it, so you didn't know it meant something.

Six.

In a little over a month, the two of you had had sex 6 times.

"Wow, so you're jealous?" You ask. You didn't want to fight with her, but you didn't feel like you had done anything wrong.

"Sure, whatever you wanna call it..." She didn't raise her voice when she said that, her voice was actually surprising low, like she was giving up.

But no- you weren't going to let this be pushed aside.

"Why would you even be jealous?" You asked.

She's your friend, why should she care who you flirt with?

(So maybe she's a friend who makes you feel butterflies when she smiles, and when she touches you, your skin tingles.)

"You're seriously asking me that?" She said, in that tone you hate, like she expected you to be able to read her mind and know everything she was feeling. Well you can't, so you didn't know what was going on with her.

"_Yes_, because I'm really confused right now, and I would like to know what crawled up your ass that's making you act like this!" After you said (yelled) that, you regretted it.

The two of you might've been fighting, but that was a little too much.

"Oh so you need me to spell it out for you?" There was that tone you hate again.

You didn't respond to her question.

She told you anyways.

"Alright, I guess I will... So yea, I'm jealous. I don't like having to see you like, all over those guys-"

Wait- that wasn't fair.

"You can't even say shit like that! We've never said we were in a relationship-"

"But we are!" She yelled over you.

She yelled, like she was making sure you heard it.

You did.

"We go out to dinner, and I hold your hand, and you have clothes at my house, and I like to read on your couch and you like to cuddle with me when you get cold! We went to the fucking Golden Globes together, Naya! _And_ we're sleeping together! That sounds _a lot_ like a relationship to me!" She finished, determination and pent up frustration apparent in her voice.

Your stomach was fluttering so badly the entire time she was talking.

_God_, she was right.

Maybe the two of you were just so deep in denial that whenever the topic of what the two of you were came up; you couldn't even admit it to yourselves, let alone one another.

Look where that got you…

"Heather..." you said with a sigh.

She sat back down, not even bothering to respond. She started shaking her head back and forth again, but you didn't want her to dismiss this. You wanted her to tell you she meant what she said. You needed her to.

You quickly stepped in front of her and kneeled down. You grabbed her hands with yours and pulled them to your chest, hoping she'd look at you. But her head stayed down, so you sat up a little higher and pressed your forehead to hers and whispered her name.

She stayed quiet, and when you looked to see if she was even paying attention, you notice a tear on her cheek.

What did you do...

You took your hands off of hers and moved them up to her cheeks. You gently tilted her head up, needing her to look at you.

"Heather look at me, please..." You whispered.

When she opened her eyes, they were red. Her makeup was slightly smudged, and the tip of her nose was pink.

How did you not see how she was feeling?

(Or maybe you did, and you ignored it because you had everything you ever dreamed of, but you thought it was just that- a dream.)

"Honey..." Your voice cracked, like what you said was too much. It was. Seeing her like that, knowing you were the one that caused it, broke your heart.

You started kissing her cheeks gently. You found the tears on her face and made them go away. You kissed the tip of her nose, her furrowed eyebrows, and her trembling chin. You kissed all the places that showed she was sad, and you tried to fix them.

Her lips were shaking slightly as well, and even if you'd told yourself to keep your affection on set to a bare minimum, you had to kiss her now. She needed it. You needed it too.

You barely pressed your lips to hers. It was more like a caress, like you were just letting her know you were there. You didn't pull away, you kept your forehead against hers and your hands on her cheeks and your lips impossibly close.

You kissed her bottom lip a little harder, hoping the pressure would make it stop shaking. It did. You congratulated yourself by taking her lip between yours, hoping she would start kissing you back.

She did.

She wrapped one of her hands around one of your wrists and kissed you harder, pulling your top lip in and sucking.

You followed eagerly, glad to see she was responding. You loved kissing her, it made you feel so good, and the butterflies in your stomach were no longer a strange feeling, but a comforting one.

She must've been eager too, because she suddenly let go of your lips, leaned back on the couch, and pulled your wrist she was holding until you stood up slightly and straddled her.

Well, that was certainly something you'd never done in the trailer before.

Her lips pressed to the hinge of your jaw and her hands were pulling your hips against her.

You moaned. She was really, _really_ good at kissing your neck.

She moved down slightly, under your ear, and then you felt her tongue and her teeth and you whined and panted and moved your hands into her hair, pressing her harder against you.

You felt the mark blooming. You knew you would have to come up with an excuse of how you got it. You knew she did it on purpose.

She started getting more aggressive, like she was being motivated by her anger and sadness and arousal and jealousy. It was hot, but it was too much.

"Heather" you said, breathlessly.

"Tell me this is real..." She said almost immediately, mouth still against your neck.

She practically nibbled on the top of your shoulder, and you yelped.

(You think she did it to prove a point.)

"Tell me we're together... And you won't flirt with the guys... And you love me..." Between every phrase was a harder kiss and more bites. You kept moaning and panting her name and gripping her hair.

You heard her words, they even gave you those welcomed butterflies, but you could barely respond when you felt her tongue trace up your neck and her lips wrap around your earlobe.

"Okay- _God_, okay. No- no more flirting. We're- _fuck_- we're together..." You had to pull yourself away because it got too hard to talk, let alone form coherent thoughts or sentences.

So you moved your hands down to her shoulders and pushed her away from your neck. She was breathing heavily as well, and you combed your fingers through her hair, trying to fix the mess you made of it.

"Hey..." You said gently, after your breathing had calmed down.

She lifted her head up, having to crane her neck back slightly because you were still above her.

Her eyes were that familiar darker color, a shade that made your stomach tingle. But you didn't want to go any further without telling her how you felt.

"I'm sorry if I haven't done a very good job of showing how much I care about you. I promise, I'll be better."

You kept eye contact the whole time you said that; you wanted her to see that you meant it.

And she must've seen it, because she gave you a small smile and nodded her head. She wrapped her arms around your waist and pulled you into her again, and then she rested her head against your chest.

You smiled as well, and lowered your head until your lips were near her ear and whispered quietly-

"I'm pretty much in love with you," you said, with a gentle smile and an even gentler kiss to the side of her head.

It felt good, saying it out loud, because now it was real.

You felt her smile against your chest and you leaned back slightly to see her face, and when she looked up at you, her eyes and her lips were smiling.

She was really happy. You could practically feel it. And so were you. Your cheeks stretched into a smile so broad and happy and genuine, the fluttering expanding all over your body.

You giggled a little, unable to contain what you were feeling. Her smile stretched farther as well, and you felt her pull you towards her by your hips. You lifted your hands to her cheeks again and pulled your faces so close, you felt her smile brush against yours.

It wasn't meant to be a kiss, the two of you were smiling too much, but it felt so good to be able to _feel_ how happy she was against you.

"I'm pretty much in love with you too," she said with a smile.

You two stayed like that, you on top of her, holding each other, until Meg came in and said that break was over.

The two of you had to make a stop at hair and makeup, but seeing her laugh while they put cover-up on your neck was worth the embarrassment.

* * *

Her touch still gives you tingles, even if you're mad at her and no longer together and you're both in relationships.

She's still the _only_ person that makes you feel like that.

(You think that means something, like one of those "once in a lifetime" something's, but you ignore it. Even if you're pretty sure it's true, that doesn't mean it's going to happen.)

She grabbed your arm and pulled you so forcefully, you stumbled and stopped right in front of her.

There was no more significant gap between the two of you. She had taken steps to pull you back to her, and now you were barely an arms length away.

You look at her face and see she looks angry and frustrated still. You didn't have time to say what you wanted (like how you needed to leave and that she was being ridiculous), because she pulled you even closer.

Closer than that time on the balcony.

Closer than the two of you have been in a long time.

Her lips still feel the same.

They're still small and tender and smooth and she apparently still uses the same vanilla chapstick.

Your hands stay by your sides for a few moments, as her lips press hard against yours. It's an angry kiss, it's a frustrated kiss, and it's a kiss you don't like, because it's not coming from a place of love. Or maybe it is, but the love is under layers and layers of anger and jealous and longing and heartache.

It's the epitome of bittersweet.

You push her away by her shoulders, and you hear both of you gasp for air. You're lips hurt by the force of her kiss, but even if it was too hard and too fast, the relief you feel is incredible.

But the relief only lasts a short while, because then you feel guilty and confused and dirty.

"Heather, stop. We can't _do this_ anymore." You rush out your thoughts, saying the opposite of how you feel.

"No, don't say that! After everything you just told me, you can't do that." She says strongly, still holding your hands, still too close.

You feel the knot forming, but you can't cry. You're not supposed to show how effected you are by her, by everything.

"I have to..." You plead. And beg. You try with everything you have to get through this.

"_Please_, don't give up on me..." She begs too, and then she breaks. She shatters right in front of you, and when you hear her sobs you quickly look up at her face, inches from yours, and you see the tears fall.

You feel pieces of your heart start to crumble, leaving you so exposed and so vulnerable to her, to your feelings.

It's almost instinctual when you start to kiss the tears away. You kiss away the pain etched into her face and her eyes and her chin and her lips.

You kiss away her pain, hoping it'll help yours.

You hear her whispering, "Please, please," over and over, so you continue.

She lets go of your hands and grips the back of your shirt, pulling you closer to her. You move your hands and place them at the sides of her belly, then to her hips.

(Just that brief touch was so unreal.)

You push her, forcing her to take steps backwards and she does, the two of you moving until you've moved the several feet back into her doorway.

It feels desperate and painful and heartbreaking to kiss her like this, when both of you are stripped bare, with feelings so raw and honest and powerful.

You try to be careful, you try to go slower and press more gently, but she doesn't agree. She takes over and presses hard on your lips and bites and explores unabashedly with her tongue, like she's taking advantage of your vulnerability and rediscovering you.

You hear her whispering "stay, stay," over and over, and it's like you have no other choice.

You stop once the two of you are just past the doorway, and reach behind you as best you can to find the door and close it.

When you hear the door slam shut, it's like it closed off the two of you from the world, if only for a few moments.

The seclusion gives you enough of an excuse to keep going. You try and convince yourself that it's okay to have this one more time. That what you're doing is okay.

But it's not, even if it feels right.

(There's that feeling again, that this is a "once in a lifetime" experience. You believe it now; you're not going to deny it.)

She's frantic, but you aren't. You're starting to think, you're getting distracted. Where's Taylor? What will you tell Sean? How will you keep a friendship with her if the two of you keep going in circles?

You push her away.

"Heather," you pant.

She tries to go for your neck and you let her for a few seconds, reveling in the way her lips and tongue still know how to make you so weak.

You push her away again.

"_Naya_," she whines.

"We _can't_," you beg, desperately trying to convince yourself and her.

"Please, just one more time, _please_..." Her eyes show how desperately she's begging as well, how this isn't something she's proud of, but she wants it anyways.

You feel the same.

You're still breathing hard, looking over her features and trying to think slower, more clearly. It's so hard to decide, between having her now and walking away to an uncertain future.

She's still holding the back of your shirt; you can feel her hands trying to pull you towards her. They're strong, determined- unhelpful in your dilemma.

"How long do we have?" You ask. It's evident that you're starting to give in, and the joy in her eyes is almost worth it, but your head is screaming at you to stop, that this is wrong.

Your heart is excited though, just like you see in her.

"A while, he went to a baseball game," she says frantically, ready to have you.

It heightens your excitement and your heartbeat and the fluttering in your stomach.

It feels so amazing to be wanted by her again.

(Or maybe she's always wanted you, but time and fame and parents and boyfriends acted as obstacles and you couldn't see that she did.)

"Ok..." You give in. Finally.

She smiles in relief, in joy, and then her mouth is on yours again, frantic and aggressive and eager.

But if you're going to have her, especially like this, you want to be slow and gentle and patient.

You give her once last, long kiss before you pull away and grab her hand. You look her in the eye, hoping that tells her what you want.

She sees it, and she nods, and you get to smile at her this time. She has time to smile back.

You pull her up the stairs, to the right, and take the few steps into her guest bedroom.

She doesn't look at you questionably, she understands why.

You left go of her hand and she walks towards the bed and you watch as she traces her fingers tips along the top of the comforter, then turns around and looks at you.

You wonder if she's just as nervous as you are.

You turn around and close the door; needing that feeling of seclusion again. You want it to just be you and her, closed off from everything, if only for a little while.

* * *

Your sitting up on the edge of the bed and putting your bra back on when you hear the sheets move behind you.

_She lies on her back and while you're on your side, because anything else felt either too risky or too intimate._

You see her out of your peripheral as she sits up against the headboard and pulls the sheet up to cover her upper body.

_You kiss her neck and her chest and her shoulder, being careful not to leave marks. You caress the sensitive skin and find all the spots you remember spending countless hours discovering. She still makes the same whine when you lick her throat and the same moan when suck gently on her collarbone and hum when you kiss her shoulders._

You find your shirt at the bottom of the bed and pull it over your head. You go to pull your hair into a ponytail, but there is no hair tie on your wrist.

When you remember you placed it on the nightstand, her hand is already next to you, holding the elastic band out for you to take.

You grab it without giving her any kind of thank you, or even acknowledging her at all.

_Her breasts have certainly grown and they feel slightly different, yet the same. They're still sensitive on the sides; apparent when she grips your hair and pants the way she used to when you drag your lips from the sides to the bottom. Her nipples are darker, but they still respond the same when you lick them and then blow a gentle stream of cool air. _

You try to act confident and uncaring when you finally stand up, but you're still naked from the hips down and you feel extremely exposed.

You find your underwear near the dresser and slip them on, ignoring the eerie silence that pierces the room.

You stare at the wall as you try and remember where your pants- _shit_…

Your pants are on the other side of the room. You remember because she tossed them-

Nope. Done with that thought.

_You avoid her belly when you move your hand down her body; instead you stay as close to her side as you can. She breathing heavily and practically vibrating with the way she's shaking so badly. It's exciting and exhilarating that you're making her feel like this._

You stare at the wall a second longer, building up your "confidence" and trying to remember why you were so incapable of taking off your own clothing.

Idiot…

You don't even look at the bed as you walk around it. You zero in on your pants and create a sort of tunnel vision, keeping her out of your focus completely. You reach down and start pulling them on, and as your shimmying them up your hips, that's when she decides that she's going to try and talk to you.

_When you thought everything was sensitive, you didn't realize _everything_ would be. As your fingers just barely graze her clit, her rapid breathing becomes a cry and it startles you so badly, you jump. As you go lower, you reach her center and start circling the opening. She suddenly screams, and with your head still near her chest, it's exceptionally loud. You don't jump this time, but your ears ring slightly. Now that you have an understanding of how sensitive she is, this may not last as long as it used to._

"I'm sorry…" She says, her voice quiet and scratchy from the screaming and yelling.

You feel no more swell of pride knowing you caused it, you only feel guilt.

You were doing so _well_, the two of you were friends and you were building your career and you have a boyfriend who you care about.

But who can deny the person they love?

And you _knew_ you would feel like this, you _knew_. You knew you would feel guilty, yet here you are, looking at her after she apologizes for something that both of you wanted, but knew you should've never had.

"I'm sorry too," you tell her genuinely.

You are sorry, but you don't regret it because you _did_ want it. You wanted it too much. And in the moment, you enjoyed every second.

It's the unknown that scares you.

_You start slowly- gentle and strong in your thrusts. Her hand comes up to the back of your head and pulls you up to her mouth. She kisses you when you pull out and gasps into your mouth when you push in. You feel her tightening around your fingers, her kisses become harder, and her gasps occurring faster and becoming a high-pitched moan. You see the sweat on her forehead and her chest. You can feel your own sweat where your stomach and breasts rub against the side of her body. You can feel the moisture rubbing on her thigh as you grind uncontrollably against her. _

"What's gonna happen now, Nay?" She asks it almost desperately, like she needs you to tell her something positive to make her feel better.

You don't know what to say.

(You want to tell her you miss hearing her call you by your nickname though.)

_She gives one last loud, screaming moan in the form of your name, and your fingers feel the squeeze and the fluttering and the wetness. Your own release comes soon after hers; and the both of you shake and quiver for an incredible amount of time, the passion and intensity almost too powerful. You're so exhausted that when you remove your hand and place it on her far hip, you feel your heavy breathing onto her neck. The guilt comes soon after._

"I don't know Heather… I don't know what we're gonna do." You're head is downcast when you say it, and your tone sounds tired and shattered, maybe because you are.

You just want to go to sleep and wake up feeling like this never happened. But it did, and you have to live with that.

You look at her then, and when you see that she looks tired and shattered as well, your eyes strain to stop from crying.

You collapse into a sitting position on the end of the bed and hear her sigh behind you. You stare at your bare feet and your manicure and wonder what's going to happen next.

Because you think you started some kind of train reaction, or some trail of dominoes, and everything might come crumbling and falling down all around you. And maybe even her.

The both of you can only wait and wonder what's to come…


	5. Chapter 5

You try and act normal after it happens. You pretend that everything is still the same- that nothing changed.

You try.

Sean continues to be sweet and romantic and everything you could ever want. But when you have too much time to yourself, there's a thought that lingers in your head, or a hope deep inside your chest, that there's someone else who fits you perfectly.

You want _him_ to be perfect, so you can let her go.

He tries, and you love him so much for everything, but you still keep holding onto nothing.

Because that nothing could turn into something, and that something is everything.

* * *

She texts you more often now. She asks you how you are, if you're ok, if you want to talk.

You never reply. You read the texts and see her worry, but you never know what to say.

But today you think you do. You're on your way home from the grocery store where all you did was think of her as you walked up and down the aisles. You've decided that you can't hide from her forever.

When you get home and unpack the food, you find her name in your contacts list and press her number. Her contact photo pops up on the screen as the dial tone rings.

You lean against your kitchen counter and wait, trying to think of what you're going to say. You don't even know where to start and that scares you, but you can't have courage without fear.

But she doesn't pick up, and your heartbeat doesn't steady because now you have to leave a message.

It's like improv acting, except this isn't comedy, this is real life- your _life_- and you hope and pray that you say the right things.

"Hey, Heather..." you start off slowly, timidly, because even if this is just a voicemail, you're still nervous.

"I know you've texted me a few times- a lot, actually- and I'm sorry I haven't replied. I just- I never really know what to say I guess." You say honestly, your voice shaking.

"Everything that's happened has been really, really confusing and- and complicated and I don't really know want to do... I mean, you're one of my best friends- but we're like, broken. Or something about us is broken- or bent, or just not... working." You say it with honesty and with pain; because now you've admitted something is wrong instead of staying ignorant. But you can't turn away when it gets hard anymore.

"But I still want you in my life- I still want to buy you gifts and go to the gym together and eat too much microwave popcorn with you on my couch. I wanna spend too much time with your little girl... I want you, and anything you'll give me."

You barely register what you say, like your mind was disconnected from your mouth.

Because now the girl you had a silly crush on, and then liked, and then loved, knows what you want.

And all you can do is wait.

* * *

Days pass, and there's songs to sing and lines to memorize, but even if you're busy with the show, it still feels strange- knowing she won't be there.

You always looked forward to seeing her, and now you won't. You won't be bringing her coffee at five in the morning or filming with her all day or eating lunch with her and Kevin and Meg and Telly.

It's so different, and you're still adjusting to the feeling, even though you knew this would be happening. Maybe you weren't as prepared as you thought.

You still have your best friends to make you laugh and mess around with in the makeup trailer and gossip together about the new kids.

But you miss her. You miss the feeling she gave you by just _being_ here. This show was your dream job, and then she showed up one day, and made it absolutely perfect. Because of her, you could never have a bad day.

She just made you feel... good. Constantly.

And now she's gone, and you're left with this ache in your chest.

You miss her.

* * *

She has her baby on September 14th.

Brittany texted you while you were out to breakfast with your brother. She told you Heather's sister texted a few of Heather's close friends, letting them know Heather went into labor.

You're not angry or insulted that you weren't told sooner. It's ok. Really. You understand that your relationship with Heather isn't what it was, and apparently other people have noticed as well.

You tell your brother you need to go to the restroom, but instead you go out a side exit and lean against the wall.

You take deep breaths- in through your nose, out through your mouth.

In, out.

You try and calm down, because that's what you need right now.

You start to pray, and have faith that everything goes well. You need her to get through this as smoothly as possible. You don't know if you could handle hearing about any complications or-

You can't think like that.

You squeeze your eyes shut, because all you can imagine is being in that delivery room with her. And you clench your fists, because your hands tingle with the thought of holding her hand through all of it.

But you aren't there. This experience isn't meant for you, no matter how much you want it to be.

You take one final breath and go back inside.

* * *

She tells you she loves you on September 16th. Two days after her baby is born.

It's the middle of the night. You're in bed, you're about to fall asleep, you're relaxed.

Your phone rings.

It's startles you. Your heart starts racing and now you're almost completely awake.

You see her name and her photo and a part of you begins to assume the worst, because why else would she be calling you in the middle of the night, a day after she had her first child?

But the fear and anxiety can't compare to the possibility that it really is her-

You slide your finger across the screen and answer the call.

"Hi..." she says it so quietly and so breathlessly that if it weren't the middle of the night, you don't think you would've heard her.

"Hey mama," you say sweetly and with a small, tired smile.

When she pauses for a few seconds, you think you made her smile as well.

The adrenaline pumping through your veins- through your heart- turns into fluttering.

Butterflies.

"How are the two of you doing?" You ask, because even though she's talking to you right now, that part of your head that thought the worst still wants to know how she is.

"I'm good... I'm really good. And she's- Nay, she's _perfect_..." The way she says it, with such awe and disbelief, makes your chest feel overwhelmed with happiness.

You wish you were there. You wish you could see her right now.

You wish you could see both of them.

You feel the happiness culminating into tears and sniffles and a knot in your throat. She finally did it- she finally got what she always wanted.

"I'm so happy for you Heather," you say with a watery smile and a crack in your voice.

The tears roll down your cheeks and your neck, absorbing into the seam of your tank top.

You inhale quickly to get rid of your sniffles and take a deep breath, trying to settle the emotions flowing through you.

It's an overwhelming experience to be having at 2 in the morning.

"Thank you. I just- I can't stop staring at her. I feel kinda creepy actually," she says with a quiet giggle.

You smile even more, and imagine her lying in her hospital bed, staring at her new baby, all swaddled up in blankets and love.

"I don't think your baby girl will mind if you look at her, Heather. She's sleeping, right?"

You like this- talking and exchanging jokes freely and easily.

You miss it.

She doesn't say anything for a few minutes, and you know she's still looking at the little person she just brought into this world.

"I wish you could see her, I'm pretty sure you'll fall in love." The way she says it- like it's the most obvious thing in the world.

She's probably right though- you know a part of you fell for her the moment the two of you met, so her little girl wouldn't be any different.

"Yea, I bet." You say with a smile and a little laugh, but you hope she knows that you're actually telling the truth.

"I wish I was there to see her too..." You say, even though it's not exactly what you want to say, but it's close, and that's all you could ask for.

But then she surprises you and says with a sigh-

"Me too, Naya..."

A little piece of your heart breaks because you can hear it- you can hear that she isn't saying that as a friend, she's saying that as-

"Heather..." you say quietly, gently.

She doesn't respond until at least a few minutes have passed. You wonder what she's doing, what she's thinking...

But then you hear labored, unsteady breathing and-

"Heather-"

"I wanted you here Nay, I wanted you- I want-" she's crying; quiet sobs, and your own tears start again.

You want to be there too, especially now.

"Shhh, I know. I know honey... It's ok..." You say, willing as much strength into your voice as possible, even though you're clenching your comforter into your fist.

You hear her continue to cry quietly, and you continue to tell her that she'll be ok.

"I love y-you. I love you so mu-much. I'm sorry, G-God I'm so sorry-"

"Heather, _shhhhh_. I love you too, ok? I _love_ you. Calm down, you gotta breathe honey. Just breathe, I'm right here. I'm right here..."

You keep reassuring her quietly until her breathing goes back to normal, and you can no longer hear her sniffle.

"Get some sleep, ok? It's been a long day."

You hear her sigh and you know that this is over for now.

"I'll call you when I can. Goodnight Naya, sweet dreams." You can hear the sleepiness start to settle into her voice. This conversation took a lot out of her- from you too.

"Ok... And goodnight to you too, and your little girl." You imagine her again- this little baby who you have yet to see but already love.

"Audrey says goodnight too." You can hear the smile in her voice.

You smile yourself, and your heart flutters out of control.

"Goodnight, Audrey."

* * *

You get to see her a week later.

Both of them.

Heathers texts you telling you that they're having a little get together so friends and family can meet Audrey.

You smile so big when you read it, excitement and nerves and anxiety running through your whole body.

She has sent you a few pictures of the baby, and every time you look at Audrey's light blonde hair and chubby cheeks, you feel you heart warm and your stomach flutter.

(The pictures make up for the excuses and disappointment and guilt and-)

But now you're going to actually meet this little girl, and you can't believe it.

You can't wait.

* * *

You pull up in front of Heather's house and take a deep breath, trying to ignore the memories of the last time you saw her. Today is a happy day, an exciting day, and you're not going to ruin it with your sadness and guilt.

"You ok babe?" Sean asks you.

You look over at him and see the genuine worry in his eyes. He makes you feel protected and loved.

"Yea, I'm good. Just nervous to finally see the baby." You say, and it's partly the truth.

He smiles and nods his head before he gets out and starts walking around the car to get to your door. You rustle in your purse while you wait, looking for your lip-gloss.

You're doing it because you're nervous, but you'll tell yourself it's because your image is important.

(But it's not- not with these people. Not with her.)

You take Sean's hand and lock your car as you two walk across the street. You see a handful of cars that you recognize- Vanessa's, Dianna's, Kevin's. That makes you a little less nervous.

The door has a pink sign on it saying "welcome!" in cute swirly writing.

You open the door and almost immediately see your friends. You catch Kevin's eye and he acknowledges you, telling you to go over to him.

You drop Sean's hand and hug Kevin. Brittany and Hannah are there too. You hug and tell them you miss them.

You catch up with them for a while, and they ask Sean questions and at one point he puts his arm around your waist.

He's telling a story about you, so you guess the arm around you is warranted. You look at him talking, with his charming smile and even more charming personality, and wonder again, why he can't be it.

You know what your heart wants, but your head is telling you that he's enough, that he's perfect for you, that he's it.

But it's like trying to force a puzzle piece into an empty space in the puzzle. It looks like its going to fit, and it almost does, but in the end it doesn't settle right, and you have to wait until you find the right piece.

But he's still a part of your puzzle, he still belongs somewhere, he just doesn't fit where you're trying to put him. He's not the matching piece you're looking for.

She is.

* * *

You left Sean to go talk to Dianna in the kitchen when Heather's mother walks in, carrying an empty tray.

When she sees the two of you, she smiles politely and you smile back. It's not forced, you genuinely like the woman- she's been nothing but nice to you whenever you saw her- but it's just awkward, with the way you feel and the situation.

Heather never explicitly told her mother what was going on between the two of you, but she mentioned you enough hoping Mama Morris would get the idea.

Maybe she did and she hid it well, or maybe she didn't. You'll never know.

"How are you ladies?" Jeannie says while she loads the tray with more snacks.

Dianna answers, "I'm great, I'm taking a little break from some movie promotion stuff. I just had to come back to see the baby."

Jeannie responds in kind, congratulating Dianna on the new film. She then directs her attention to you and asks-

"What about you Naya? What have you been up to?"

She sounds interested, and not just making idle small talk until she leaves the kitchen. So you tell her about filming for the show and how your music is coming around. She listens intently and congratulates you on your career so far.

You get that all too familiar sense of pride whenever someone speaks highly of what you've done so far. It's something you hope never goes away.

When Jeannie leaves, Dianna goes to make herself a drink at the counter a few feet away. You start to walk over to do the same when you hear hushed, frustrated cursing coming into the kitchen.

"Shit, shit, shit- _ugh_!"

You just stare, speechless as Heather comes speeding into the kitchen, grabbing a kitchen towel and putting it under the water in the sink.

Dianna speaks up for the both of your confusion.

"Heather, is everything ok?"

Since Heather came into the kitchen with her head down, she didn't see that there were other people in the space.

"Yea, yea I'm fine. It's just, I got this on my shirt and I wanna get it off." She finishes, sounding rushed.

She looks up when she finishes and sees you first. You avert your eyes a few seconds later to look at the wet, beige colored stain on her collarbone.

Oh-

"Ew."

Shit.

"Sorry," you mumble.

Heather gives you a patronizing look and you feel stupid. Stupid brain. Stupid mouth.

She uses the towel to wipe at the stain, but it's not doing much.

"Here, let me help." You say gently.

She immediately stops rubbing at her shirt and looks at you. You walk the few steps over to her and hold out your hand, silently asking for the towel. She watches your face even as she places the towel in your hand.

You step into her side, and move in close enough that you can smell her perfume and her hair and _her_. You try and ignore it.

She watches you as you start to scrub the stain out, but even though you're at a better angle, it's still not working.

"I think you need a new shirt Heather." You say it apologetically. You really like this shirt too. It brings out her eyes.

She sighs and says, "I knew that was gonna happen."

She turns to place the towel on the counter behind her and when she faces you again, she asks-

"Do you wanna help me?"

You look at her and think of how wrong it would be to be alone with her. You think about Sean in the other room. You think about how much you've missed her...

"Yea, sure." you say calmly, nonchalant, like you're not beyond excited to have a few minutes alone with her.

You turn to Dianna to tell her that you're leaving, but she's already looking at you like she knows what you're thinking. You could try and come up with an excuse or explanation, but it'd be pointless.

You turn back to Heather and smile, letting her know you're ready.

You follow her out of the kitchen and into the living room, where people are talking. You see Sean, but his back is to you, and for that you're thankful.

But you hear someone say Heather's name, and you look to see that it's her sister.

Her sister and the baby.

You stand back and watch April talk to her, then the baby is being placed into Heather's arms and you are so nervous because if she has the baby then-

"Come on Naya." she ushers you, cradling her baby against her body.

You follow, still in awe.

Speechless.

You just got a lot more than you ever thought.

She leads you up the stairs and into her bedroom. She stops by the door and turns to you, silently telling you to come in.

You keep walking forward and sit on the bed, watching as she shuts the door and turns back to you.

"Hi," she says with the cutest, littlest smile you've ever seen.

You smile and shake your head; beyond happy with the time you're about to spend with her.

"Hello Heather," you say with a giggle.

She smiles and then looks down at the baby in her arms. She takes a few steps towards you, still looking down.

You're mesmerized.

"And this- is Audrey..." the pride and love in her voice is stunning.

You see her look up at you, but you're no longer looking at her. You're looking at the little person in the pink and yellow striped blanket.

And then she starts coming closer.

Before your mind can process what's happening, Heather is already kneeling in front of you, and adjusting her hands until she's supporting the baby's head and bottom.

Then she lifts her towards you.

"You wanna say hi?" she says quietly.

You're still staring at the little baby, and now that you can see her face, you don't think you can look away.

But you heard what she said, and you nod slowly, still focused on the baby's face.

"Hold out your arms Nay..." she tells you gently.

You finally look at her face making sure it's ok, or that this isn't a dream.

(Or maybe it is a dream- one that's finally coming true.)

You do as you're told and hold out your arms. Heather sits up a little, getting a better angle to put Audrey in your arms. She puts her bottom in your right hand, and you make sure your hand is correct, safe.

Then your eyes follow her as she shifts her hand that's on Audrey's head until you feel the weight in the crook of your left arm, and immediately you make sure the baby's head is secure.

Your left hand rubs gently, slowly, against the baby's back. Heather was right- you're in love.

Heather is still kneeling right in front of you, her face tortuously close, as she looks at her baby girl.

You're looking at her too- her chubby cheeks and tiny nose. Her little pink lips and tiny eyelashes.

She's so…

"-beautiful." You say, barely above a whisper. But she hears you, and looks up at you and says-

"Yea, she is."

And then she lifts her hand and rests it on your cheek.

It's all so overwhelming- baby, Heather. You don't know what you did to deserve this moment that you're in, but you thank God for giving you this.

You close your eyes and take it all in- the soft blanket and even softer body within it, the hand against your face, a thumb stroking your cheek gently.

When you open your eyes, you're not surprised when your eyes are watery, and a tear slides down your cheek.

She catches it with her thumb, and shifts even higher to press her lips to your forehead.

You sniffle and let out a little laugh- you feel ridiculous for getting so emotional.

But all she does is smile, and she's so close you can feel it. She bends her head down slightly and places a kiss next to your mouth.

Your chest feels so warm and fluttery and _good_. You're so happy.

"Can you hold her while I change?" she asks you gently. She's pulled back a bit, but she's still only inches away.

You look her in the eyes, so close to yours. They calm you down, and allow you to take a deep breath and nod.

She smiles at you and strokes your cheek one more time before standing and walking to her closet.

Audrey starts to wiggle her body slightly and when you look down at her, she lets out a little whine. Gently you pull her closer to your chest, hoping your cuddles will calm her down. She immediately turns into you and snuggles into the blanket, lets out a breath, and relaxes in your arms.

You laugh a little, unable to contain your happiness over the little bundle of adorable that you're holding.

You sit like that, staring at Audrey, stroking her little back softly, watching her eyelids flutter and her lips twitch. It's fascinating and addicting- you could do this all day.

Then Audrey makes another baby sigh and-

Yep, you could do this forever.

You hold her more firmly in your left arm so you can move your right arm from under her bottom. You wait for her to settle into you again, and when you're sure she's still sound asleep, you lift your right hand next the her head and brush your fingers through the fine, baby hairs on top of her tiny head.

She seems to like it too, because her head turns faintly towards your palm. It's a strange feeling- doing something to make this tiny person happy. She's never even seen you- and yet here you are, with her snuggling against you.

You wished she knew who you were. You wish you could cuddle with her whenever you wanted.

"How are my two favorite people doing?" Heather says, coming out of her closet wearing a light green tank top.

You quickly put your right hand under Audrey's body again and look up at Heather. You're acting as if you got caught doing something wrong- worried that she's going to punish you.

"Uhh- yea, we're good. Audrey's still asleep; I didn't drop her- everything looks to be in order." You say, jokingly examining the area around you.

When you look back up at Heather, she's got an amused smile on her face, and when you flash her an exaggerated smile right back, she laughs and shakes her head.

She comes and sits next to you on the bed and looks down at Audrey. It's interesting seeing this Heather- the mother. Someone who now has incredible responsibilities and endless amounts of worrying ahead of her. You're in awe of this woman you're lucky enough to call your friend- your love.

"Why 'Audrey?'" You ask, looking at Heather with pride flowing through you as you think of all that she's done.

"Huh?" Your question must've snapped her out of her baby-trance and she looks up at you curiously.

"Why did you name her Audrey?" You repeat.

She looks down at her little girl again and you can tell she's thinking. You are so anxious to find out what it is that's flowing through her mind…

"I wanted something that meant strength… I just- I wanted her to represent an ability- or like, a trait that someone should be proud to have. Like my dad, I wanted her to represent what he went through-" she stops suddenly, and you cannot imagine what it would be like. To have a child without one of your parents being able to see it…

You want to take her mind off of her father for now and say-

"Well, how about her middle name? It's not another superpower is it? Because if her first name means 'strength,' I wouldn't be surprised if her middle name was 'X-Ray vision' or something." You finish with a smile and a little laugh, hoping it'll coax the same from her.

It works, and she smiles and wipes away the single tear that fell.

"No, it's not '_X-Ray vision_.'" She says, mocking you.

You smile at her and look down so you can re-adjust your left arm and-

"It's Marie, actually…"

You stop. You stop moving and stop breathing. You sit, stunned, and wait for your heartbeat to settle into its normal beat.

"W-what?" You ask, your voice shaking so badly.

"Whenever I say her name, I want it to mean something. So I used names that are important to me- that _remind_ me of people who are important to me…" Her voice sounds so confident, and you remember moments ago when you first asked her why you she picked the name Audrey. Now you know what was going through her head.

When you finally look at her again, you know the look on your face shows your surprise and confusion and curiosity. But all she does is smile and wrap her left arm around your waist, pulling herself into you so that the side of her shoulder rests against yours. Then she drops her head onto your shoulder and lifts her other hand to stroke Audrey's legs.

You picked the greatest person to love.

* * *

The two of you are getting ready to go back downstairs, and you didn't think you'd be this sad, but you are. The 10 minutes that you've spent in this room have been everything you never knew you wanted.

"Thank you," you say, because you are. You know she didn't have to do any of this- she didn't even need you to come up here with her. But she did it anyways, and she gave you a moment you will remember forever. You'll never be able to thank her enough.

She's holding Audrey again, and when she looks up at you, you can see it in her eyes- she knows what you're thanking her for.

"You're welcome..." She says gently.

She tells you that the two of you should head back down now, and you agree. You know that the moment the two of you walk down those stairs, you won't see each other. You won't be able to talk or have any more time together. This was it, but it was enough. More than enough.

You go down first, and when you're only a few steps down the stairs, you turn around suddenly and go back up a few steps until you're on the step right below her.

You stretch up on your toes and kiss her quickly on the lips, and then immediately afterwards, you press a gentle kiss to Audrey's forehead. Then you make your way down the rest of the stairs, and when you look back up at Heather, she's smiling right at you.

You give a little laugh and a wink, and go back to find your friends.

* * *

You spend the rest of the evening catching up with the people you haven't seen recently.

You find Ashley and talk about the films she's working on and your own experience shooting a movie. She tells you all these stories, and the way she's talking to you and making you laugh- almost like it hasn't been over a year since you last saw each other.

At one point you even talk to April, even though you've only met her a few times, she's sweet and polite and easy to talk to. You ask about her husband and their wedding, remembering when Heather told you that she was going to be a bridesmaid. She asks about Sean and how that's going, and you tell her that's it's really good, and he's incredible, and you're happy.

And you are. He makes you happy, but April doesn't know that her sister would make you happiest.

You ask Hannah about her tour with Beyoncé, and she goes on and on about all the places she's been and how amazing Beyoncé is. You're a little jealous, and you tell her that, but then Hannah says, _"I'm sure when you're making number one hits, you could do a little Beyoncé/Nay-Nay collaboration!_"

It plants a seed of hope in your head, and excitement runs throughout your body because she could be right- and that's an amazing boost of confidence.

You find Sean surrounded by Kevin and Taylor and April's husband, Steven. It's strange seeing all these guys together, but when you see Kevin holding Audrey, dancing with her in his arms, and Sean freestyle rapping about the baby, you can't help but laugh.

Audrey seems to be enjoying herself too; with her baby smile and the way she's watching Sean in front of her. Taylor and Steven are smiling and when they all see you, they all start laughing and Sean stops rapping and begins laughing as well.

It's such a strange moment, seeing as you've never met Steven, and Taylor is- well, _Taylor_. But it's funny, and adorable, and definitely not something you would think a bunch of grown men would enjoy.

You decide it's time to go when you remember Mychal is going back to San Francisco tonight and you want to go spend time with him before he leaves.

Sean says ok, and you go around saying goodbye to your friends. Heather is near the door, next to her mother and Taylor, and they're all just talking quietly.

Jeannie sees you first, and she notices that you're carrying your purse, so she says-

"Aww, are you two leaving already?"

Heather and Taylor were facing away from you, but when her mother speaks, Heather turns quickly and makes eye contact. You don't look back at her, and instead respond to Jeannie.

"Yea, my brother is leaving town and I wanted to see him before he left. But thank you so much for today, it was great." You say honestly.

You notice Heather's still watching at you, so you quickly say-

"And it was an honor to meet your little girl. She's adorable. Thank you for inviting us, and I hope you all have a great rest of your night." You finish with a smile.

You make eye contact with Heather quickly and hope that the silent communication makes sense. You hope that she understands what you're trying to say.

_I love you._

You and Sean leave moments afterwards, and when he asks you if you had a good time, your answer is easy.

"It was amazing..."


End file.
